Dear Social Grace,
I enjoy having dinner parties and I love to cook, and I have two questions about having a dinner party. No. 1: Is it OK to have a dinner party and then invite more people over to join for "coffee and drinks" afterwards? My dining room is full with six people, so I can't invite everyone that I'd want to have at dinner, but I would invite them to come afterwards if I knew that it didn't give them the wrong message. No. 2: I have a couple of friends who really won't take no for an answer when I tell them that I really don't need help cleaning up. I just like to leave my dishes in the sink until the morning, but if I try to do that, they'll be in there washing them behind my back while I'm trying to get a game of Pictionary started or something. I know they're trying to be nice, but I prefer to take care of clearing the table and washing the dishes myself. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Wanting to Be the Perfect Hostess
Dear Perfect Madam,
Allow me to restate your first question, and I'm pretty sure you'll be able to answer it yourself: "Is it impolite to invite friends into my home for coffee, a cocktail or two, and a rousing game of Pictionary?"
No, I thought not. While you could always throw two separate parties, a busy schedule may make that hard to do. You seem to fear that people will feel slighted because they were invited only for after-dinner drinks and not for dinner itself. But most adults understand that not everyone can be invited to every dinner party, and many would prefer to be invited for Pictionary than for nothing at all.
When you extend your after-dinner invitation, don't spend too much time discussing what you're not inviting your guest to. Something like, "We're entertaining my husband's parents next Friday; I'd love it if you could come by after dinner, for port and parlor games," sounds about right.
Conversely, "Get the heck out of my kitchen!" does not sound right, though it may have crossed your mind when dealing with your second problem. You must be gentle, however, because your guests are simply trying to be nice. (I'll note, for all you guests out there, that a refusal of an offer to help clear should always be accepted.)
One tactic is to give such guests another task as soon as they begin any unwelcome cleaning: "Here, let me clear those plates. Could you please make sure that I have enough pencils set out for Pictionary?" Then make sure the kitchen lights are turned off and, if anyone moves toward the sink, don't be afraid to put your foot down smilingly. Try this: "I'm afraid that my messy kitchen is strictly off-limits to guests. The biggest favor you could do for me right now is to pretend that you're unaware of it."
Dear Social Grace,
When you are served a dish that contains myriad mussels or clams still in their shells -- for example, I recently enjoyed a dish consisting of mussels and clams in a brown broth -- is it correct to strip all of the shells all at once, or should you remove the meat one shell at a time, as you eat?
Via the Internet
Dear Mussel-Bound Madam or Sir,
Life can be lived only one day at a time, and moules marinières should be eaten one mussel at a time. Your toil with an oyster fork must be rewarded as you go, and you don't want that broth to get cold before you've had a chance to taste it. Shellfish, steak, dinner rolls, cheese fondue -- all are to be consumed in a way that alternates the chore of "bite preparation" with the pleasure of eating.
Dear Social Grace,
My boyfriend and I are spending a weekend with my parents next month. We have lived together for several months, and my parents are aware of this and totally accepting of everything, but I know from past experience that my parents will not be letting us share a bed (I'm pretty sure that I'll be in my old bedroom and he'll be on the sofa in the family room). I know my parents see this as an "our house, our rules" situation, and in their house, one of the rules is that unmarried couples do not sleep in the same bed. The rule has applied to me in the past, and to both my sisters when they brought boyfriends and even fiances home to visit my parents.
I told my boyfriend that he should expect this situation, and he was surprisingly upset about it. He sees this as discriminatory, because we are both men, and we can't legally be married anyway. I actually think that my parents would be satisfied with a commitment ceremony or whatever, if it came down to that, but, as I pointed out to my boyfriend, no one's mentioned that kind of thing yet.
He really seems like he wants me to make an issue out of this, saying that we are grown-ups who should be allowed to make our own decisions, etc., etc. I actually think my parents are being broad-minded enough to apply the same rule to a gay relationship as to a straight relationship. Your thoughts would be appreciated.
