Theory of Relativity

Dear Social Grace,

I will be getting married next year, and both my fiance and I have very large extended families: literally dozens of aunts and uncles, hundreds of cousins, and so on. Obviously, we cannot invite everyone in our families to our wedding. However, we do want to invite some of them, and that's my concern. I am very close to some of my cousins, but not necessarily to their parents or their siblings. An example: I have a cousin who lives nearby and is close to my age, so we hang out together all the time. I want to invite him, but it seems wrong not to invite his parents and his siblings, too. The thing is, I haven't spoken to some of his siblings in years and years, not even at Christmas. What is the delicate way to invite some cousins and not others?

Sincerely,
J.

Dear J.,

I understand your fears, but I hope I can persuade you that they're probably groundless. A trip to the Social Grace Old Letters Library may help: We get many, many letters in the "I can't believe I got invited to the wedding/shower of someone I hardly know; do I have to buy a gift?" category. We have never received an "I can't believe I didn't get invited to this wedding" letter.

The thing is, people with whom you are out of touch probably don't want to attend your wedding, though I'm sure your out-of-touch cousins remember you fondly. If one doesn't know the bride and groom very well, attending their wedding isn't really all that much fun. Your nuptials are an occasion to be shared with your nearest and dearest -- and etiquette understands that not all distant relations fall into that category. You need not invite an entire family to a wedding if you want to ask one adult child to attend.

Dear Social Grace,

Can you tell me why it is that if you let out a fart in the living room, you should say "Excuse me," but if you let one out in a [public] bathroom, with lots of people around, you just keep quiet?

Via the Internet

Dear Quiet Madam or Sir,

We shall use your question as the starting point for a brief discussion of the differences between public and private spaces. As many of us know (though a few Muni riders, I've noticed, need gentle reminders), some behaviors are profoundly private: trimming toenails or hair, flossing teeth, and pleading for forgiveness into a telephone, for example. Such activities shouldn't take place in public, so society has designated some public spaces as "private"; that way, as we make our way through our daily lives, we're able to take care of such confidential matters. Phone booths, public restrooms, and similar areas aren't reallyprivate, though we've all agreed to pretend they are.

One layer of this social pact is the unspoken agreement that when we are in a "private" place, no one else sees or hears our activities. This is why so many people become uncomfortable when someone in a public restroom starts making small talk. Allow me to use flossing as a further example: When you spy someone flossing his teeth at a restaurant table, you have reason to be appalled. If you see someone doing the same thing in a public restroom, you should politely look away.

Dear Social Grace,

I have a question of etiquette on which I'd greatly appreciate your insight. Neither my partner nor I drink. This isn't a big deal for either of us; we just don't. Last week a number of friends went out to a celebratory dinner, about 12 of us. The dinner was great, feelings were high, and the conversation was sparkling. The only bit of discomfort came with the bill. Of the 12 of us, four or five had ordered fairly expensive drinks. I know that at least one other person besides my partner and I didn't drink, and there was some resentment voiced, albeit very quietly and just amongst ourselves, that we were paying almost 30 percent more than the cost of our food just to buy other people booze. I decided to handle this graciously and just pitched in our share with a smile, as did everyone else. I did and still do feel a bit taken advantage of, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I had a great time, and I really enjoyed the company and the event. Should I view the cost of the booze as just part of the cost of enjoying the evening? Of course, the petty thing to do would be to order the most expensive dessert on the menu.

Mic

Dear Mic,
The dinner in question has already been eaten, digested, and paid for, so there's nothing you can do to remedy accounting errors now. I hope, however, that we can find a way for you and your partner to look back on your next celebratory dinner with fond memories -- instead of resentment.

First things first: When a group of friends decides to split the cost of a dinner out, each person is responsible only for his portion of the bill. Of course we mustn't allow our friends to pay for part of our meal when we dine together in this "hostless" fashion. If a bill looks to be evenly split, friends may take the simple way out and divide the bill's total by the number of diners -- and that's fine provided all agree that it's fair. But if that isn't the case, there is nothing impolite about looking over a group's check (making sure you factor in the gratuity) and saying, "OK, it looks as though Marion and I owe $15 each," then passing the bill to the next person. No one should fault you for wanting to pay your fair share.