Dear Social Grace,
A friend and I were at a bar, and we struck up a friendly conversation with the guy next to us, and we were having a pleasant conversation until he said something very racist, the n-word, to be exact. This pretty much ended the friendly conversation, although we didn't actually say anything to the guy about what he said. Now we wonder if it would have been the right thing to do. We were both taught to be polite and nice to everyone, and so when we left the bar, we even said "Goodbye" and "Nice talking to you" and so on, just out of the social conventions, and we basically acted like total hypocrites because this guy is representative of things we despise. We wonder what the boundary is, as far as being polite to a stranger who turns out to be basically a racist asshole.
Kim
Dear Kim,
"Hypocritical" is an epithet sometimes applied to etiquette because, yes, it does want you to be polite and nice, even if you're not in an especially nice mood, to the strangers, acquaintances, and other people you encounter as you make your way through life. But let me assure you that etiquette in no way wants you to put up with racists or let them believe that you share their views. Yes, you must be nice to everyone -- until they demonstrate that they themselves don't intend to be the same, as the fellow you encountered did. No matter how convivial the conversation has been, when racist talk is introduced, social pleasantries are at an end. You can (indeed, as a force for civilization, you must) state plainly and firmly that you will not listen to that kind of language and that you do not participate in conversations that denigrate others. Done correctly, in an even tone and without resorting to argument or name-calling, this is the polite thing to do. Thereafter, you'll likely be required to listen to apologies of the "I didn't mean anything by it" sort, which I would accept as coolly as possible before turning back to my friend, my martini, and a more private conversation.
Dear Social Grace,
Is it tacky to drink beer out of the bottle?
Jamie
Dear Jamie,
Unless the bottle belongs to someone else, no, it isn't. Of course, context is everything, and what's appropriate for a picnic isn't necessarily the right thing to do at a fancy restaurant. At the latter, you'll probably receive your beer in a glass, anyway. But when you're served beer in a bottle, drinking it directly from that vessel is probably appropriate, if you're comfortable doing so.
Dear Social Grace,
I seek sartorial advice. I have been given to believe over the years that when wearing a suit, dinner jacket, tuxedo, etc., a man should, generally speaking, button the coat/jacket when standing and/or walking (presumably to ensure that the garment hangs and hugs in all the right places, making the man look sleek and tailored) and unbutton it when seated (presumably to avoid the sort of awkward gathering and pinching and splaying of material that would make one look like Tricky Dick at the end of a full golf swing).
Was I done raised right, or was I raised by wolves? Or is this the sort of dingbat dogmatism beloved of those who favor clip-on ties?
L'homme moyen apparel
Dear Sartorial Sir,
First, that you are concerned at all about the correct way to wear a dinner jacket says to me that your upbringing was exemplary. I hope I can ease your mind on that account.
Second, I'm delighted that you're writing to Social Grace for fashion advice. We're still hearing some disagreement about this column's last attempt at same (but we're sticking by our original assertion that bright red isn't a good color for a wedding guest).
Third, in answer to your question: If you're wearing a standard three- button jacket, the bottom button may be left unbuttoned as hip movement requires, whether standing or sitting. (Double-breasted jackets don't allow for that option.) No one likes to see a gentleman fiddling excessively with his clothes, and constant buttoning and unbuttoning might fall into that category. Jacket buttons needn't be completely undone when a gentleman takes his seat at dinner, for example, though a quick release of the bottom button is permissible. (Men's jackets are cut to look smartest when buttoned.) When seated, a fellow might sit on the back hem of his jacket (as many TV newscasters do), thereby keeping its shoulders from riding forward.
