Dear Social Grace,
Is one obligated to bring a gift to a housewarming party? Some friends of mine and my boyfriend's, a couple with three young children, recently bought a house. They are longtime friends of ours; however, I was a bit taken aback when they broadly hinted that they hoped their friends and relatives would give them gift certificates from their favorite store during their party. Prior to our conversation, I had not given a gift much consideration. I confess that I have not been to many housewarming parties and am not even sure of the purpose of such events. Aren't flowers and a card or perhaps a bottle of wine a fitting gift for this type of event?
Harried Housewarming Guest
Dear Harried Madam or Sir,
People throw housewarming parties for a couple of agreeable reasons: to show off a new home and to welcome friends and family into it. The house is "warmed" by the presence of loved ones. Unfortunately, a few people throw housewarming parties for a not-so-agreeable reason: to troll for gifts. "Broad hints" about presents one expects or hopes to receive are never appropriate, and you were right to be taken aback. I'm sure your friends merely had a momentary lapse of tact.
Nonetheless, a housewarming guest does usually bring a token gift. ("Obligated" is too strong a word.) The present needn't be expensive: flowers and wine are both fine ideas, as is a small houseplant or something else a bit more permanent. Just to give you a few ideas, some housewarming gifts I've been delighted to receive include a small earthquake-preparedness kit, a hand-embroidered pillow, and a gift certificate for my new neighborhood's Chinese takeout restaurant.
Dear Social Grace,
When you entertain guests at a restaurant, should you, as the host, choose the wine that people are having with dinner, or should the guests choose?
Ron
Dear Ron,
It's up to a host to choose a wine or wines that will complement as many of the table's meals as possible, though she may ask for suggestions from guests or from the server or wine steward. If one of the guests, though, prides himself on his wine knowledge or is from a part of the world famous for wine, letting him choose is a flattering gesture.
Dear Social Grace,
Is leaving a newspaper behind on Muni littering, or is it a good thing, a gift to the commuter who comes after you?
Thoughtful Commuter
Dear Thoughtful Madam or Sir,
Although I have spent more than one subway ride reading the posted safety warnings after leaving my book on my bedside table, we just have to trust people to take care of their own Muni reading material. And part of taking care of one's reading material is properly disposing of it. The problem with newspapers left on the train is that they tend to stay there. The result is evident on most Muni cars I ride: dirty, crumpled, and unreadable papers underfoot, next to the sunflower-seed husks and discarded chewing gum left there by other litterers.
Dear Social Grace,
I had to disagree with your response to the woman who wondered what the proper response was to online-dating-service mail that did not interest her romantically["Modern Love," Aug. 21]. My feeling, as a male who has used the services, is that she should do nothing and eventually delete the mail. In online dating, the gender roles are superannuated, given the absence of direct live cues. Women get many letters; men send many letters. I assume that if a woman does not respond, she is not interested. But seeing that I have mail from a woman I found interesting enough to write first off, only to find a "Dear John" letter, wastes my time. It is a misplaced courtesy. The few times women have sent such notes, they have been solely on the services that display how often the person replies to his or her mail, inadvertently distorting the level of involved response. Possibly here is one area where the manners of the Internet should not mirror person-to-person interactions.
Via the InternetDear Disagreeing Sir,
Your letter certainly gave me pause, but I'm not yet prepared to change my mind about proper dating behavior. No matter what technology is being used, dating is done by people, who haven't changed much in the brief time that the Internet has provided matchmaking options. Of course "Dear John" letters are disappointing, but I'm thinking of a simpler type of letter. A "no thank you" note wastes less time, I think, than checking for responses that never arrive. It's true that with online dating, the need for a "no thank you" seems to be obviated. All one has to deal with is an e-mail message, which by its nature is intangible and easily discarded. But those messages still represent actual, three-dimensional suitors -- hopeful grins, sweaty palms, wilting bouquets, and all -- and ignoring them seems wrong. Plus, you never know when or how rejected suitors are going to turn up in your life. Being thoughtless when dealing with strangers is just careless.
