Hello and Goodbye

Dear Social Grace,

My son has recently become engaged to his girlfriend of five years (he is 27). I've never met or talked with her parents, who live in Southern California. She currently lives with them, while working there. My son lives here.

Should I contact her parents and introduce myself? My work schedule is the worst, and asking them to visit or going there to visit is out of the question. The date for the wedding hasn't been set, but it is at least a year away. I would appreciate any advice.

Dianne

Dear Dianne,

Traditionally, in a situation such as this, the groom's parents make the first move toward getting acquainted (but friendly overtures from either side are fine). A visit isn't necessary if it's unworkable, but you should certainly call or write a friendly note, in which you needn't say more than something about how pleased you are and how lovely and bright their daughter is, to make the introduction.

Dear Social Grace,

Here's the situation: We're having a goodbye surprise dinner party for a co-worker and friend. There are seven of us in our unit at work, and one co-worker in our unit wants to bring his new girlfriend. We are known for our joy of drink, let's say, and his girlfriend is in AA. He has already said that he may not be there long and has to leave early. I find this obnoxious. Don't go then ... And why subject her to us? He claims that she won't care. But isn't the affair for our friend leaving? He said that he wants to dedicate time to his new relationship, which is fine ... but our friend will only leave us once. All my co-workers say I am judgmental and insane. What do you think?

Thanks,
Laura

Dear Laura,

As one judgmental person to another, I can assure you that you are not insane. Besides, there's nothing wrong with a little judgment. It's how you express it -- or don't -- that's key.

So you and your colleagues are hosting a party together. One host wants to invite his girlfriend, and a majority of the hosts see no problem with this. Well then, fair is fair, and majority rule is as good a system for throwing a surprise party as I can imagine.

It doesn't sound as though the girlfriend will be staying long, so it shouldn't be difficult to act pleasantly toward her, despite your pique. You seem upset that this particular co-worker won't be living up to past nights out with the group. That doesn't make you insane, madam; it just makes you nostalgic for the "good old days," and I won't judge you harshly for that. Your co-worker has done nothing terrible: He's simply explained in advance that although he will attend, he may have to bow out early. Guests may do that if they must, and having a girlfriend in AA is a socially acceptable reason to leave a party before things get too drinky.

Dear Social Grace,

I have a question that I know is always sticky about gifts and weddings. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

My husband and I had a small private wedding ceremony this summer (not the first marriage for either of us). We are having an informal celebration in October and have invited 100-plus people. Since it isn't proper to mention anything about gifts on the invitation, we did not put "No Gifts, Please" or any other reference.

As I talk with people when they RSVP, or when we see one another, the question "Are you registered somewhere, or what do you want?" comes up. I've tried to politely say, "Gifts aren't necessary; we just want to get together with our friends." That answer doesn't seem to suffice, and we are being pressed. Is it more polite to keep insisting that we do not need anything (knowing that this puts the guest in the position of gifting us with yet another picture frame), or is it acceptable to guide them toward gift certificates or to areas of our interests?

Thank you so much,
Robin

Dear Robin,

As someone who doesn't want wedding gifts, you've acted correctly. And although "insisting" doesn't exactly have a "Social Grace" sound to it, you are within your rights to request that guests bring no presents.

To soften the blow -- because wedding guests generally wantto get us something we'll enjoy, and we register to help them do so -- you might say, "We really do prefer not to receive gifts; we have so much already. But Christopher and I would love it if you'd have us over for dinner sometime this fall. He's still talking about your vegan lasagna." Or you can recommend a movie outing or a sporting event -- you get the idea.

Close family members may not be so easily put off. When someone in this group asks what sort of wedding gift you'd like, it's not impolite to give broad ideas as to interests or needs, without naming specific items of a specific price. For example, you might say to dear Aunt Viv, who simply can't imagineattending a wedding without bringing her dear niece a gift, "Of course we don't need anything, seeing as how we're already combining two households, but we're very excited to enjoy our new garden." That should at least steer her away from the picture frames.

A final option is to enlist a close family member who is involved somehow in the wedding to let people know, "unofficially," what your gift preferences are.