You Grab the Monkey; We'll Bring the Knife

Monkey Knife Fight is everywhere, but what -- oh what -- does it mean?

We recruit some friends and follow any and every lead possible. We e-mail everyone under the sun. We call the S.F. Police's Graffiti Abatement Department. We ask DAVE of the infamous DAVE posters. We study the tactics of Chaka, from the Chaka campaign of 1990. We do a Lexis/Nexis search, which essentially covers every printed English word on the planet. We post an ad on Craigslist. We contact radio stations. A DJ from KUSF even makes an announcement on the air. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Hunting around SOMA late one night, we reminisce about an unfortunate tagging incident from our college days. We were involved in Amnesty International, and each year we'd have a promotional concert called Jamnesty, which featured local bands and petitions and all that. We came up with a covert advertising campaign. A month before the event, we'd cover the campus with JAM stickers and posters and signs. Just JAM -- that's it. We'd get the campus all interested and excited and abuzz, and then a week before the event, we'd reveal the Jamnesty link. Except it didn't go that way. Somehow, a rumor got started that JAM was a secret signal to the pledges of a fraternity, Phi Beta something-or-other. Phi Beta gladly accepted responsibility, and in no time, the entire campus believed JAM was a frat thing. When our Jamnesty campaign was finally revealed, it was too late. The Phi Beta Fuckheads had stolen our thunder.

Which brings us back to Monkey Knife Fight. What's to stop some megacorporation like Nike or Wal-Mart or Philip Morris from seizing the campaign and calling it its own? We begin having recurring nightmares about such a doomsday scenario. In our dream, we're desperately trying to call a friend or family member or somebody. But every number we dial, all we hear is that haunting AOL Moviefone guy's voice. Over and over and over. Hello, and welcome to AOL Moviefone! If you would like to see the new Tom Cruise film,Monkey Knife Fight, press 1!The nightmares are so horrific and upsetting that we quit the venture entirely.

Tom Dougherty
Tom Dougherty
Tom Dougherty
Tom Dougherty
Tom Dougherty

And then, out of nowhere, we get an ominous e-mail: "The first rule of Monkey Knife Fight is that you do not talk about Monkey Knife Fight." Wait a minute. That's a reference to the movie Fight Club... a movie starring Brad Pitt! The same Brad Pitt who starred in Twelve Monkeys! Holy guacamole -- Brad Pitt's the culprit! Brad Pitt, the gorgeous Hollywood heartthrob! Brad Pitt, the darling husband of Jennifer Aniston! Brad Pitt, the blue-eyed hunk who made a million women moan in Thelma & Louise! Brad Pitt, right here in our very own neighborhood! What a fucking ASSHOLE!

We prepare a list of questions for the evil Brad Pitt:

- What does "Monkey Knife Fight" mean?

- Why are you doing this?

- Why did you choose the Mission? Is it because we're the best?

- Why "Monkey Knife Fight"? Why not "Platypus Tea Party" or "Vampire Booty Call"?

- Why Jennifer? She's really not that cute, you know.

We're on the Web, trying to find contact information for Brad, when our roommate Amy comes in. She sees the list of Brad questions and literally smacks us upside the head. "What the hell are you doing?!" she screams. "Brad Pitt's not tagging the Mission, you asshole! Face it -- you're never gonna solve your little 'Murky Life Fright,' or whatever the hell it's called. You've been beaten. It's over!"

She's right. It is over. Not only did her vicious backhand bring us back to reality, it also brought home the tragic irony of our pursuit. After all, the phrase "Monkey Knife Fight" is sometimes used to describe a senseless bloody battle. And that's exactly what we've waged. Heck, maybe that was the whole point.

It's with this realization that we come up with a theory. "Monkey Knife Fight" means NOTHING. It's just the work of some punk-ass street artist who needed something to do. It means nothing and everything, both at the same time. That's the beauty of it, the genius, really. We here at Dog Bites would like to stress that this is a theory, not fact. But that doesn't make it any less important. Most everything Einstein did was, and still is, theory. Some things in the universe are just damn hard to prove.

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