Dear Social Grace,
I have been desperately trying to find a job for a couple of months. I have submitted my résumé to hundreds of e-mail addresses and fax numbers in job postings that specifically request "No phone calls." I comply with this request, and I am never actually contacted in response to my professionally prepared and extremely respectable résumé. I am beginning to wonder if these jobs are going to the aggressive people who ignore this warning and make that follow-up phone call after the résumé is sent. I would normally call after applying by e-mail, but after being specifically asked not to do so, wouldn't it make the hiring manager see me in a negative light? Or does it say that I'm very interested? Should I ignore the "No phone calls" warning and follow my instinct to make the call? Or is that impolite?
Desperately in Need of Some Actual, Useful Remittance
Dear Desperate Madam or Sir,
The Social Grace Inc. Human Resources Department confirms my feeling that "No phone calls" means just that. People who do call tend to expose themselves as people who can't follow simple direction. However, several hiring managers I spoke to agree that a follow-up letter (or e-mail or fax), sent a couple of days after a résumé, is a welcome indication that an applicant is especially interested in a position. Good luck.
Dear Social Grace,
A few weeks ago you tackled the issue of racism, specifically in regard to someone who uses the "n-word"["A Force for Civilization," Sept. 18]. You suggested promptly cutting off any conversation with the offending individual, which makes sense, but what if that individual happens to be your supervisor or a co-worker?
Thank you!
Sam
Dear Sam,
The original question concerned a conversation struck up with a stranger in a bar, but when someone you know -- be he co-worker, friend, or Uncle Mortimer -- starts speaking in a highly offensive manner, you can address the problem just as firmly, if with a bit more politesse. You still want to indicate that such talk is intolerable, but you might pretend to believe that the person in question misspoke. Allow yourself a shocked silence before exclaiming, "That sounded absolutely unforgivable. I'm sureit didn't come out the way you intended." If that doesn't work, you must explain, as curtly as you like, that you cannot participate in conversations that denigrate others.
A co-worker with any sense whatsoever is going to put as much distance between himself and any racial slurs he might have uttered -- which are illegal in the workplace, I'll just note -- as he can. If he doesn't, and if the environment at your workplace is noticeably bigoted, I recommend that you speak to your personnel department, a manager, or a labor lawyer right away.
Dear Social Grace,
There is a new person in our office who apparently feels that her questions are the most important thing in everyone's day. She comes into my office -- no knock, no "Do you have a moment?" She just walks by my desk, throws a project on my backboard, and starts asking questions. How do you combat this? She is a peer, not a supervisor.
Via the Internet
Dear Otherwise Occupied Madam or Sir,
Oh, how hateful is the doorless cubicle. The next time your co-worker interrupts you, turn to her with an apologetic expression and tell her that you're in the middle of something. Ask her if she'll be free in, say, half an hour, and agree to meet at her desk then. Keep this up until she learns to make appointments with her colleagues. Consider yourself a part of her on-the-job training, and be sure to mention your contributions in this area the next time your job performance is evaluated.
Dear Social Grace,
I'm in the very early stages of planning my wedding and have come to realize that my mother has a much clearer idea of what my wedding should be like than I do. She's convinced that it is the bride's family's obligation to buy bridesmaids' dresses and found my suggestion that the bridesmaids buy their own dresses completely ludicrous. She's generously offered to pay for them, but how can I convince her to give up the idea of choosing and paying for matching bridesmaids' gowns and perhaps spending that (much needed) money on something else, like flowers for the reception? Don't bridesmaids usually pay for their own dresses? Should I just forget about it?
Sincerely,
Brooding Bride-to-Be
Dear Brooding Madam,
You are correct: A bridesmaid traditionally buys her own dress and shoes. The bride's family (or the bride) may provide any unusual accessories, so if you wanted all your attendants to wear, say, rhinestone headbands, your mother could have the pleasure of paying for those. Part of the idea here is that the dresses will be theirs to keep and wear again. (That sound you hear is the rueful chuckling of legions of former bridesmaids with turquoise taffeta crumpled in the backs of their closets.)
Of course, a bride does her best to choose gowns that are within her bridesmaids' means. If she suspects that one can't afford the chosen dress, then she or her family might offer to pay for all or part of it. Such an offer must be handled tactfully, and here's where you could convince Mom to change her mind. Try this: "Mother, dear, I'm afraid that some of the girls might take your offer the wrong way; I'd prefer to choose inexpensive dresses -- and I'll need your help, which I'm always grateful for, in doing so. Now let's think about what else needs to be done." Whether your mother chooses to change her offer is up to her, but if you are a polite and thankful daughter, I bet she will.
foam order.com
