If you are not already actively supporting the Republican Party's 2003-2004 national campaign effort -- Now is the time to act!
The 2003-2004 election cycle will be among the most important in our nation's history. You have a crucial choice to make ...
... Will we continue on the course President Bush has set, building a better future for America or ...
... Will the Democrats win total control of the government and return our country to the failed Clinton/Gore big government, tax and spend ways of the past? ...
Please let me hear from you today.
What a difference the mail makes.
I went to bed last night quite sure I was not a Republican. I'd never voted for their party, was quite at odds with most of their principles, and certainly had never given them any money.
But today everything was different. Why was I now receiving letters from the Republican National Committee?
My first thought was that this must have been a mistake. You've got the wrong guy, I wanted to yell at the envelope. As far as government goes, the bigger the better. I love taxing, and I love spending. But there it was, my name, right on the mailing label:
That's when I knew there was a problem. Nobody except my grandmother and the characters in the fantasy novels I write about myself calls me Benjamin.
But now I was in business, because I have a system to track down who's responsible for my junk mail.
See, I go by different pseudonyms when I sign up for magazines. The name on my subscription to The Atlantic is "Benjie Westhoff," and that's how I know where organizations like the ACLU, Sierra Club, and Amnesty International get my address.
Harper's is even further left of the border, and whenever I get a mailing for "Benny Westhoff" I know they're responsible. The last one was from Earth First!, the eco-terrorist group that blows up ski lodges in Colorado.
The rash of women's clothing catalogs that come for "Bern Westhoff" are undoubtedly due to my Victoria's Secret subscription, but I want to thank the Adam and Eve catalog for its discretion; I have yet to receive a single junk item for "Benet Westhoff."
But getting back to "Benjamin," I quickly realized who had sold me out to the Republicans like a cheap pen-named whore. It was those penny-hoarders at Forbes.
Now I know what you're thinking. How can I call myself a Democrat if I subscribe to Forbes?
Well, if you must know, I happen to enjoy Forbes. It has lots of cool graphs and pie charts, and once in a while its editors send out a supplemental issue about what wealthy people should do for fun. That issue is chock-full of ads for Rolls-Royce and caviar. It makes me feel rich, and I like it.
I just don't like being on the Republicans' mailing list.
One thing is for sure, though. The Republicans have their act together. The Democrats haven't even hit me up for a donation, and I live in Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's district. I'm an easy mark for Dems; if they ask for 25 bucks, they'll get it, no questions asked.
I want big government, goddamn it, and I'm willing to pay for it.