More At 11:00

An Exclusive Look at Secret Plans for Revolutionary Change in San Francisco Television News

Earthquake
rattles Bay Area

If you experience earthquake:
1. Don’t panic 2. Note whether earthquake has more of a “rolling” or “shaking” motion 3. Check on pets 4. Turn television to [INSERT CALL LETTERS HERE] for latest news 5. Call [INSERT CALL LETTERS HERE] hotline to add your two cents to “shaking” vs. “rolling” debate Medical marijuana club raided If your pot club is raided:
1. Panic 2. Tell yourself this is NOT happening 3. Eat what won’t flush 4. Remove Bob Marley posters from walls 5.Hang commemorative photographs of 9/11 emergency workers 6. Inhale deeply

 

imageSporting Chance

In the soap opera that is San Francisco's sports scene, one thing remains constant: Nobody cares about the Golden State Warriors. They're the only team in the NBA whose players actually bring down the excitement level entering a building, be it stadium or strip club (we're talking to you, Troy Murphy). Even though Dusty's been driven to Chicago and Mooch has been sent home to brush his hair, our local roundballers are lucky to get 30 seconds at the end of the hour. But they are 30 unavoidable seconds. How to make folks tune in for Warriors news?

Take a clue from one of the team's most endearing gimmicks (and we don't mean Earl Boykins). At every home game, win or lose, if the Warriors score 100 points, fans get a coupon good for one (1) free Chalupa at Taco Bell. It's always a magical moment when an accidental fourth-quarter tip-in puts the team over the century mark and all 6,019 left in the Arena scream, "Chalupas!" Gam-id says: Bottle some of that pixie dust and sprinkle it over your broadcast by offering viewers a free Chalupa if they can watch an entire minute-long segment on the Warriors. That's right! Viewers get a free Chalupa if they can whisper the final word of the previous night's Warriors segment into the ear of a friendly employee at Taco Bell. Everybody wins -- except, probably, the Warriors.

imageAll Rad, All the Time

Yes, he slurs, stutters, sprays, and sways in his chair, and in the rare instance that he actually completes a sentence, he's still impossible to follow. But Gary Radnich -- the ubiquitous Las Vegas transplant who surveys the local sports landscape for KRON's late-night newscasts and KNBR's mid-morning talk-radio show -- is as "must-see-TV" as they come in the Bay Area. Put simply, you can't take your eyes off him. What will he t-t-t-t-try to say next?

Gam-id's research, however, indicates that there are 17 minutes of the day when the eminently likeable Radnich is not talking over some airwave about Bay Area sports. In our book, that's 17 minutes too many. The solution: Clone Gary Radnich and put him on 24 hours a day. It's an ethical stretch, yes, but the possibilities are endless: Radnich could talk about sports, or talk about talking about sports, or maybe even argue with himself! (Radnich No. 1: "Joe Montana was a class act." Radnich No. 2: "Positively! But not as much as Ronnie Lott.")

If ever there were a justification for the Raelians, this is it.

imageWanted: Angry White Male Who Can Read

When it comes to anchors, Bay Area TV newscasts have almost all the demographics covered: white, black, Latino, Asian, white/black, black/Latino, Asian/Latino, Asian/black. Indeed, with the help of medical science, local anchors have achieved remarkable blends of non-threatening skin tone that speak to the very definition of multiculturalism, whatever that is.

There remains, however, one demographic that has yet to claim its place at the local anchor desk -- rednecks. And Bay Area television desperately needs a redneck anchor for one good reason: Rednecks make up a sizeable, untapped portion of the news-viewing audience. Have you ever known a redneck to turn his television off? It's time to give the toothless white trash demo a beer-soaked, cigarette-scarred voice of its own. The anchor wouldn't have to speak too good; rednecks watch the news on mute, anyway, and no demographic makes as much news as rednecks. Isn't it time to have one reading from a Teleprompter? Wait, oh. Yeah. The reading thing. Gotta be a way.

Focus on You

As part of its research for "Building the Perfect Bay Area Broadcast," Gam-id invited some members of its focus groups to weigh in on which newscast is their favorite, and why. Some of their answers are excerpted below:

imageI watch the KRON 9 p.m. broadcast, because I love "News You Choose," where viewers get to pick which of three stories they want to see on the next evening's broadcast. A few nights ago we got to choose between a story on Oakland's response to the Super Bowl riots (boring!); a feature on gang members getting makeovers (how and why?); and an advice story about the key to mending marriages ("working it out"). Well, I picked the gang member makeovers, because I saw a Sally Jesse Raphael show about the same topic. And I, for one, respect KRON for letting viewers have input on the editorial content of their news shows -- why should journalists be the only ones who get to decide what's news?

-- Linda, 36-year-old florist, Daly City

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