Dear Social Grace,
We are having a small wedding. Is it OK to invite people to the bachelor party if they will not be invited to the wedding? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Doug -- The Groom
Dear Doug,
At many of the bachelor parties I've attended, etiquette has not been a primary concern, so your letter is a delight. When I say the word "etiquette," I know many people picture teacups and formal lunches, but good manners and context-appropriate behavior are just as important when beer glasses and what used to be called "gentlemen's clubs" are involved.
When you invite someone to a pre-wedding affair (such as a shower) but not to the wedding itself, you do run the risk of seeming to be gift-grabbing. This matter isn't as significant when we're discussing a bachelor party, which doesn't usually involve presents, but it is something to consider (bachelor-party attendees often have to pony up at least for drinks, lap dances, etc.).
As is the case with a bridal shower, the people invited to a bachelor party should be the honoree's nearest and dearest. These are people who either will be attending the wedding or understand, without explanation, why they won't be attending. And as is the case with a shower, a bachelor party should not be organized by the groom himself. I'll add that small weddings generally have fewer of such extras as pre-ceremony parties and huge receptions. This point accents the fact that although showers and bachelor parties are fun and all that, they're not necessary to begin a marriage.
Dear Social Grace,
Last year, a friend of mine bought an engagement ring for a girl who turned him down. I was sort of surprised to learn that he is keeping this ring to use on a future proposal, if that day ever comes. I thought this was sort of appalling, but he thinks there's nothing wrong with this. Is that because I'm seeing this from a woman's perspective, or is it improper to reuse an engagement ring like this?
Ring Ranger
Dear Appalled Madam,
If doing so is not improper, it is at least insensitive. Still, an engagement ring is the concern only of the giver and the wearer -- I don't see how it's any of your business. If this ring ever turns up on the hand of your friend's future wife, I expect you to "ooh" and "aah" with appropriate gusto.
Dear Social Grace,
I'm getting married in June, and there are several people on our guest list who will not be attending for reasons varying from recent tragedies to prior engagements to health issues. I would like to send these people an invitation anyway because I think it simply lets them know that they are welcome. Also, for people I don't speak with regularly, this is the latest news.
One member of our family feels that it's tacky because it makes it seem like I just want a gift even though I know they can't make it. Another member thinks it's not tacky but that I should write a note to enclose in each prospective decliner's invitation explaining that the invitation merely serves as an announcement. Another member thinks it will make someone who would rather not come (for example, for health reasons) feel obligated to come. Another member feels that people can make their own decisions about whether they want to come or not, but that it's probably best to just send an announcement after the fact.
Normally, I pride myself on being able to resolve these situations with a contemporary sort of grace of my own, but this one has me stumped. I don't get hung up on rules of etiquette, but I really don't want to offend anyone and it seems like any solution could easily backfire. Must we take into account how every individual can perceive every interaction?
Sensitive Bride in San Francisco
Dear Sensitive Madam,
A wedding invitation is just that and only that: an invitation to attend your wedding. As you know, it has nothing whatsoever to do with gifts (despite the horrendous behavior of a few couples we've read about in previous columns). Such an invite is neither a notification of mandatory attendance nor a wedding announcement. Recipients of wedding invitations and announcements are not in any way obligated to buy presents (though they may if they are so moved, and warm wishes in writing are appropriate). You should send wedding invitations to those people you've put on your guest list. Send announcements to people you aren't inviting, but who might want to hear the news. There's nothing "tacky" about any of this.
Although you may be a bit too sensitive (which I certainly prefer to insensitive) about this issue, I understand your concerns about loved ones who definitely won't be attending your nuptials. An invitation is, I think, a nice way to include them in the day. As a courtesy, you might let them know in a personal note that they do not need to RSVP: "I know you'll be unable to attend, but you'll be terribly missed and you'll be present at least in our thoughts. If your travel plans change, please let us know -- we would love to have you there."
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