Dear Social Grace,
The company I work for organizes a lunch twice a year, to benefit charities. The rules are that any employee can (but doesn't have to) attend and get a really nice meal. We are not required to pay anything for the lunch. Instead, we are asked to write a check to one of the 10 charities the company has chosen beforehand. The amount is up to us and all the charities in the list are well known and well researched.
My problem is this: Several of my co-workers try to sneak in, in order to avoid writing the check. I have heard them exchanging tips with each other before the event about how this can be accomplished, and brag about the free lunch afterwards. These are people that get a more than decent paycheck and could definitely afford to give a few dollars to charity.
I feel very embarrassed every time I hear the after-event bragging, but I am not sure this is any of my business.
What do you think? Is there anything polite I can do or should I just mind my own business?
Thank you very much,
Maria
Dear Maria,
"Mind your own business" is a Social Grace leitmotif, yes. But that doesn't mean you have to ignore ugly behavior when it directly affects you or your community. Your co-workers are, if not actually stealing, taking advantage of others' good will in a dreadful way. I'm embarrassed with you.
No one wants to be a whistle-blower, but since you know how these freeloaders are getting their undeserved lunches, you might drop an anonymous letter into your company's suggestion box (if it has one) or speak to the person who organizes these fund-raisers and explain how participation might be better coordinated. (I can't help but wonder, despite your description of a completely voluntary activity, whether some of your colleagues' ill feeling toward this workday function is the result of perceived pressure to participate. Perhaps your company might consider hosting such events outside the office.)
But if you are involved in a conversation in which a co-worker brags about how she "really stuck it to that "Feed the Hungry' organization," some verbal finger-wagging is not out of order. Try something like this: "Why, Ms. Goody, anyone listening in on this conversation might think that you really do sneak into these lunches. But that would be sort of like stealing from a charity organization, wouldn't it?" This tactic might work on someone with a fully operational conscience; I can't guarantee that it will work on your associates.
Dear Social Grace,
Last week, I had to drop by a colleague's house briefly to pick something up from her. As soon as I arrived, she asked me to remove my shoes. She was born in an Asian country, and I assume this was a cultural issue. If I had been visiting for a social call and planning to stay more than long enough to get the item I needed from her, I would not have minded so much, but I was literally going to be in the house for only about two minutes because a friend was double-parked waiting for me outside. Furthermore, I was wearing shoes that are not at all easy to slip on and off, and the motion was quite awkward for me to do while standing in her doorway. I have always believed in being respectful of other people's cultures and the rules of conduct in their homes. But at the same time, my culture and the predominant culture in this country finds being forced to remove one's shoes to be a little odd and uncomfortable. When I am in a foreign country, I always try to adjust my etiquette to suit the culture of that place and I have always thought that was the fairest way to handle cultural differences. I am not at all sure about the hygiene of being barefoot in her home either -- if anyone else who has been in her home recently had athlete's foot or another foot disease, I could have contracted it. Whenever possible, I prefer to keep my shoes on outside my home. Furthermore I was not really a guest in her home -- I was simply taking care of a small business matter. I took them off and went inside because I was unsure, but I am wondering, would it have been impolite to have simply said, "No thank you, I'm only staying a moment and I'd rather keep my shoes on" or to have told her I would wait in the hall and she would need to bring the item out to me?
Via the Internet
Dear Well-Heeled Madam or Sir,
I can think of something a bit better to say the next time you find yourself in this situation: "No, thank you; I'm afraid I really can't come in. My friend is double-parked outside. I'll have to just grab the package and go." That way, you avoid an outright refusal to abide by the rules of someone's home (and culture). But despite the dangers of athlete's foot -- which are minimal on dry floors -- you did the right thing. Sensitivity to others' cultures does extend to those that are part of our own multicultural society. You are right to expect people to play by the "rules" of the countries they find themselves in, but we all have more control over how things are done in our own homes. (Notice that when your co-worker comes to your house, she probably leaves her shoes on.) Not wearing shoes in the home is very important in some societies -- in part because "outside" can be symbolically dirty if not actually dirty.
