Presumed Healthy

Dear Social Grace,
Next month I will be taking a trip to Arizona, where I will be seeing some friends and relatives I haven't seen for a while. I have a bad case of psoriasis on one leg, and the medicated cream I apply daily only helps some. The doctor has told me that sunlight and relaxation are good for this condition.

My question is, When I am wearing shorts, should I say anything to my friends and family; or is everyone supposed to pretend they don't see the big red splotches? Of course, saying something would force Cousin Mildred to respond with this white lie: "Oh, I hardly noticed it. I just hope you're getting the appropriate treatment." Some months ago a friend of a friend asked me not only what it was but whether it was contagious (!).

Sincerely,
Via the Internet

Dear Traveling Madam or Sir,

I'll get to your question in a minute, but first, let's review some basic tact: It is never a good idea to initiate discussions of other people's presumed illnesses -- or of their physical appearance in general. In fact, we are supposed to pretend that we don't notice bandages, rashes, acne, cold sores, sudden weight gains or losses, and so on. (Parents, significant others, and the like are excepted from this rule, but even beloved life partners should be aware that the question "Honey, is everything OK?" is much less likely to earn them a night in the guest room than "Why do you look so tired and run-down?") Whatever it is, it might just be none of our business.

Now, to answer your query: Yes, you should mention it if you're comfortable doing so. Your loved ones will be so glad to see you that your psoriasis won't even register at first, but eventually, it may cause some concern -- and since they're certainly too polite to bring it up themselves, well, they may worry about you more than is necessary. I'd just say, "It's nice to get some sun; my doctor says sunlight is good for my psoriasis." (Some things are so obvious that they seem to require explanation: Many years ago, an accident forced me to wear an eye patch for a few weeks. I prefaced many conversations with, "I had a household mishap, my eye should be just fine in a few weeks, and I invite you to make one and only one attempt at a pirate joke.")

I'll just add, for everyone's benefit, that the proper response to your statement is, "Well, we're just glad to see you. Let us know if there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable." Further discussion of the matter is unnecessary -- even to say, "We hadn't noticed" (though that's not an improper use of the little white lie).

Dear Social Grace,

I found out a couple months ago that I am pregnant, and I am making plans to have the baby adopted. I have not told many people about it, but I am just starting to "show" and I have gotten some very prying questions. I had to tell my boss that I would likely need some time off in a few months, and she asked me who the father was and why I was doing it. What is the proper response to questions like this from people I don't discuss my private life with?

Via the Internet

Dear Private Madam,

My favorite response to well-intentioned but grossly inappropriate questions is: "That's just my own personalbusiness, and it really wouldn't interest you at all." You can say that with a smile (so that it's not too abruptly off-putting) and it gets your point across. A similar answer good for concerned friends might be, "That's not something I want to talk about, if you don't mind." Firmer responses to more blatant nosiness include "I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you need to know that" and "I'm afraid that's really none of your business."

Dear Social Grace,

My daughter is graduating high school (yea and boo). We as a family have been invited to several graduation parties, as we have invited several of her friends to her graduation party. My concern is gifts. Do you give a gift (of course they all want cash) to everyone?

Thanks for your help.
Kim Fettig

Dear Ms. Fettig,

The short answer to your question is yes. When we attend a graduation party, we usually bring a gift for the graduate being honored. However, these gifts do not have to be expensive -- and they certainly don't have to be cash. Immediate family members are another story, but since these are your daughter's friends, perhaps you can work out a budget with her (if she has money of her own, she may want to contribute) and then brainstorm ideas together. I have a few suggestions to start you off: appropriate books (dictionaries, reference guides, cookbooks); college-dorm necessities (monogrammed towels, sewing kits); items for summer vacation (backpacks, journals, maps); and something every grad, college-bound or simply away-from-home-bound, should make use of: nice stationery for thank-you notes and letters home.