"If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass," whines Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore, one of the world's few intentionally funny golf movies. No such weak-minded crap will be tolerated at the Emperor Norton Open. Otherwise known as "Urban Golf," this ridiculous odyssey has a Web site that demands the wearing of "unlawful and visually violent golf outfits." (See picture for details, but don't eat first.) The event has another twist, not usually formalized in more boring games: "We play for bar, not for par," as the motto of the Urban Golf Association states, and indeed, between each "hole," duffers are encouraged -- nay, peer-pressured -- to imbibe adult beverages.
In an impressive spasm of irony, no less than Forbes Magazine recently called the ENO "a killer 9-hole course." The capitalist-cheerleader publication also described UG organizers as an "obscure union of renegade linkspeople," which is kind. In the end, after terrorizing tourists and irritating locals all the way through North Beach, the ragtag team, hammered almost beyond recognition, takes one last, glorious swing to send its balls (golf, that is) sailing out into the bay. Gather at noon at Tony Nik's, 1534 Stockton (at Columbus), S.F. Admission is $5; visit www.urban-golf.org.
-- Hiya Swanhuyser
Pump It Up
More muscles, better muscles
With six weight classes and four age categories for men and only three weight classes and one age group for women, the San Francisco Bodybuilding and Figure Championships isn't exactly egalitarian. Still, it's one of the only sanitary places to unabashedly objectify nearly naked men, so it isn't exactly boring, either.
This year's featured performer is guest poser Jay Cutler, winner of the 2002 Arnold Classic (named after our largest gubernatorial candidate). When you see him, you'll understand the difference between "poser" and "poseur" -- this guy is very, very real. Let's be clear about that, because we don't want to offend him. The oiled bods, teeny bikinis, and extreme definition are revealed at 10 a.m. at the Palace of Fine Arts, 3301 Lyon (at Lundeen), S.F. Admission is $13 for the pre-judging events and $25-30 for the finals, which begin at 6:30 p.m.; call (866) 370-3011 or visit www.lindsayproductions.com.
-- Hiya Swanhuyser
Eligible fans invade Pac Bell
From the Marina to the Castro, local loners mourn their solo status. Fortunately, the civic-minded San Francisco Giants are doing their part to pair up the city's unlucky-in-loves. At the fourth annual "Singles Night, Vegas-Style," solo attendees can check out some Sin City showgirls and chat up that hottie from across the plaza. To ensure amorous attentiveness, the Giants have reserved seats for singletons in the nosebleed section (high enough to spot less-elevated cuties), as the team battles the lowly Milwaukee Brewers. The double entendres begin at 5:15 p.m. at Pac Bell Park, 24 Willie Mays Plaza (at Third Street), S.F. Admission is $33; call 972-2000 or visit www.sfgiants.com.
-- Kevin Chanel
Pray for a Rout
After stewing for the past seven months over a crushing Super Bowl loss, Oakland Raiders fans should be reassured by the team's home opener against the Cincinnati Bengals, who haven't beaten the Silver & Black since 1993. The lopsided (and hopefully redeeming) game kicks off at 1:15 p.m. at the Oakland Coliseum, 7000 Coliseum (at Hegenberger). Admission is $47-91; call (510) 762-2277 or visit www.raiders.com.
-- Jack Karp