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Aerosmith and Kiss tell off the Rolling Stones – sort of

Wednesday, Oct 8 2003
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Imagine this: Aerosmith's Steven Tyler and Kiss' Gene Simmons are wrapped in white towels, sitting in the boys' locker room of Old Rocker High School, Rocktown, USA. They're minding their own business when who comes along? None other than the school's senior bullies, Rolling Stones Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. "Hello boys," Jagger says all British and devilishly, when, out of nowhere, Richards towel-whips Tyler on the thigh.

"Yeoooooow!" Tyler screams in his usual throaty manner.

Simmons interrupts: "What the fuck? Look, just because you guys are older doesn't mean you can treat us like this. We've been at this school for decades, too. Why can't we all just get along?"

"I'll tell you why," Richards says, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. "We're the ones who started the whole 'tour till you drop' thing, and you guys are just ripping us off."

"We're gonna get you guys back someday," Tyler and Simmons reply in unison. Then Simmons sticks his enormous tongue out at the Stones.

Well, it looks like that day has come. Using the Stones' approach, Kiss and Aerosmith (pictured) are charging 125 bucks for the good seats, which sucks for those of you who get excited by bandannas tied to a microphone or excessive makeup and fire-spitting. Jesting aside though, it's difficult to imagine a world without either of these two granddaddy rock bands. So get "Back in the Saddle" for a lengthy Aerosmith set that will no doubt include classics like "Sweet Emotions" as well as more recent anthems from 2001's Just Push Play. Then, get prepared to rock 'n' roll all night (duh) with Gene Simmons and his buddies, who, whether you like it or not, have influenced everyone from the Donnas to Weezer.

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Abigail Clouseau

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