Get SF Weekly Newsletters
Pin It

The Oracle of San Francisco 

No, not that jerk-led software behemoth down the Peninsula – the real Oracle, with the surefire, bet-the-house prophecies you deserve

Wednesday, Dec 31 2003
Comments
Behold the Oracle of San Francisco, who can count the grains of sand, measure the ways of the sea, and call the over/under of any Niners game within a field goal. I'm here because I've grown tired of all the sham prognostication I see in our nation's newspapers at the end of every December: those 600 words dashed off by a columnist or a feature writer, telling you what to expect in the coming year. I understand full well that half the staff is on vacation and that something has to fill the space next to the Macy's ads. But, frankly, true prophecy isn't written in 12 minutes on the back of a cocktail napkin.

So I'm here to divine your future, San Francisco. Based on the events of 2003, I will tell you what to really expect in 2004. Call your brokers. Call your sports books. I give you the truth. You may have heard of my colleague, the Oracle of Delphi. She was nothing. She, we now know, was just a silly old biddy getting stoned off natural gas. All those riddles? Just her way of asking for Cheetos. I have vision. I have foresight. I have an active LexisNexis account. Heed my prophecy, San Francisco, and know thyself.

Jan. 6, 2003: In his second inaugural speech, Gov. Gray Davis vows to create 500,000 jobs.

Aug. 4, 2004: Turning off the TV after his third soap of the day, Davis mutters, "Why couldn't I just say 500,001?"

Jan. 31, 2003: On the steps of City Hall, Mayor Willie Brown gets into a heated argument with Supervisor Aaron Peskin, telling him just before stomping off to his waiting limousine: "You don't know me, motherfucker. You don't know what a killer I am!"

Feb. 9, 2004: Now we know. An FBI affidavit, released today, outlines the failed plot against Peskin: A no-bid contract was awarded to a Mineola, Texas-based company, but the plan was delayed for months in committee and later rejected by the Board of Supervisors in a 7-4 vote.

Nov. 24, 2003: Former mayoral candidate Angela Alioto announces her endorsement of Gavin Newsom in the runoff, apparently exchanging her support for a tentative position in the Newsom administration, possibly vice mayor. Alioto says she will advise the mayor on her pet issues -- homelessness and questionable City Hall contracting practices.

Jan. 12, 2004: Vice Mayor Alioto launches the Clean Government Commission, charged with weeding out waste, cronyism, and horse-trading in city affairs. In first vote, CGC fires Alioto.

Dec. 6, 2003: Working in broad daylight, a thief grabs a Playboy "Vargas girl" pinup from its easel in a Larkspur art gallery. The one-of-its-kind watercolor nude is worth $75,000, according to the gallery owner.

Jan. 9, 2004: The painting is found, to the owner's surprise, under his 14-year-old son's mattress, along with three tube socks and an April 1977 Oui.

June 13, 2003: The New York Post reports that the increasingly eccentric Dave Eggers plans to drop his last name for his next book. On the cover, the byline will simply read, "By Dave." (Eggers later denies this.)

Dec. 10, 2004: Eggers publishes his fourth book, written entirely in the blood of a newborn child, and gives a reading at Booksmith in which he smears himself with oleo and sacrifices 12 virgins.

Sept. 13, 2003: Police Chief Earl Sanders retires. Earlier, while taking flak for his handling of the Fajitagate investigation, he had compared himself to Jesus Christ: "[I] do recall in my readings that he was criticized."

Dec. 20, 2004: After a careful rereading of the Gospels, Sanders is disappointed to learn that Jesus did not spend his retirement playing canasta and watching Matlock reruns.

March 20, 2003: As bombs fall on Iraq, thousands of anti-war protesters pour into the streets of downtown San Francisco, chanting slogans and thrusting signs.

July 25, 2004: A young activist, writing on posterboard, says to another, "What the fuck rhymes with 'Syria'?"

Jan. 27, 2003: Local wonder-boy Po Bronson appears on Oprah to tout his book What Should I Do With My Life?, a sort of career guide for which he "crossed the landscape of America to find people who have struggled to unearth their true calling -- people of all ages, from all classes, of every profession, who have found fulfillment; those who fought with the seduction of money, intensity, and novelty, but overcame their allure; those who broke away from the chorus to learn the sound of their own voice."

April 28, 2004: America finally answers his question: "Don't write."

Feb. 21, 2003: The San Francisco Examiner lays off 40 employees, including most of its editorial staff.

May 28, 2004: The Peninsula Press Club names the Examiner the Bay Area's most improved newspaper.

July 3, 2003: After five years of marriage, Chronicle editor Phil Bronstein and actress Sharon Stone file for divorce.

Feb. 14, 2004: The loopy, faded-glory, one-time-award-winning, seen-better-days ditz thinks twice about divorce and begs for a reconciliation. Stone says no.

Sept. 15, 2003: Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom is reported to be looking for an apartment in New York, triggering speculation that San Francisco's power couple will split up.

April 7, 2004: The Newsoms divorce. As stipulated in the prenuptial agreement, the two divvy up most of their major assets. She gets the home in Pacific Heights; he gets half of her face.

Dec. 4, 2003: Giants slugger Barry Bonds reportedly tells a federal grand jury that he has never used or received steroids.

Sept. 20, 2004: At a news conference, a muscular, 640-pound Bonds attributes his league-leading 203 home runs to "nutrition and weightlifting." Asked if he has ever used steroids, Bonds pauses for a moment to consider the question, chewing thoughtfully on an ESPN cameraman.

Oct. 6, 2003: "Give me $50 million more, and we'll do it," A's General Manager Billy Beane says after Oakland is eliminated in Game 5 of the American League Division Series.

Oct. 8, 2004: "OK," Beane says. "Make that $100 million."

Dec. 15, 2003: A 14 Mission Muni bus swerves off Mission Street and slams into the Golden Gate Adult Superstore.

Feb. 20, 2004: The 14 Mission returns to service, with a hairy roof and two blind headlights.

Dec. 9, 2003: Officials at Los Alamos National Laboratory, the New Mexico nuclear weapons lab managed by the University of California, admit they can't locate nine floppy disks and a large-capacity storage disk that contain classified information. It's another security lapse at Los Alamos and further jeopardizes the University of California's contract to manage the lab. "Sometimes human beings make mistakes," a spokesman says.

March 4, 2004: Officials at Los Alamos National Laboratory acknowledge they can't locate three mushroom clouds and 9,000 acres of New Mexico. "They were around here somewhere," one scientist says, patting the pockets of his lab coat.

May 3, 2003: "We'll find them. And it's just going to be a matter of time to do so," President Bush says, referring to Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

Aug. 26, 2004: "We'll find them. And it's just going to be a matter of time to do so," President Bush says from the rubble of the Eiffel Tower, referring to weapons of mass destruction.

Nov. 24, 2004: "We'll find them. And it's just going to be a matter of time to do so," Senate Democrats announce, referring to their testicles.

About The Author

Tommy Craggs

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Slideshows

  • Trixxie Carr Presents: Maneater at Oasis
    January 14, 2015 was the first night of Trixxie Carr Presents: Maneater at Oasis in San Francisco. Photos by Calibree Photography.
  • No Pants BART Ride 2015 - NSFW
    The No Pants BART Ride commenced on Sunday, Jan. 11, 2015. Participants rode without pants, and at the end of the ride they disembarked at The Mission to bar hop, eat burritos and take selfies. Photos by Richard Haick.

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed