Resolved: I Will Get Laid

This is, after all, San Francisco. How hard can it be?

Some people can go years without having sex. Most of these people do not live in San Francisco, but even the friskiest San Franciscan can hit a dry spell. Here are a few ways to get, um, wet.

Perhaps the most tired and oft-repeated lament among single, hetero San Francisco women is the claim that they cannot get laid because of our fair city's sizeable, disinterested homosexual population. Although a convenient excuse, the claim just isn't true. There are thousands of up-for-it single guys out every night in San Francisco; you just need to know where to look.

For gals seeking a randy "metrosexual," a quick stop at the newly opened Loft 11 should net a young Dolce & Gabbana- wearing stud. But the come-on lines will be less circuitous at SOMA's dingy-yet-fabulous Arrow Bar, where the phrase, "Are we going to fuck or what?" is drunkenly repeated with alarming frequency each night around closing time, even between (or among) strangers. For the truly desperate, a good female hetero bet for sex can be placed at any bar near Union Street after Monday night football. Places like Bar None and the Bayside are positively packed with straight, good-looking guys who are drunk, or well on their way; hardly any girls frequent these bars during sporting events. The ones who are there get free attention, free drinks, and if they play their cards right, a proper hump (unless the 49ers lose, that is).

For all genders and persuasions, San Francisco offers a number of sexual-healing possibilities that don't necessarily involve bars or drink. The ubiquitous Craigslist.com gets dirtier and filthier every year; the "missed connections" section now seems downright sleepy compared to the wild, anonymous, and often hilarious "casual encounters" section. Here you will find thousands of postings from supposedly hot gals and guys ready for some anonymous sex at the drop of a jimmy hat. A recent post screamed, "Come fuck my girlfriend! She is at it again. Come help me satisfy my very hot 32-yr-old and very sexy girlfriend." Of course, it always helps to get a picture first, and, by all means, choose a safe and public place to meet, should you go this route. (I'm guessing a good 80 percent of the ads on "casual encounters" are from overweight IT guys, but in San Francisco you never know.)

For those who need a bit more flirting before they seal the deal, there is always Friendster. com, also known as "fuckster" among its Don Juan-esque devotees.

If your eyes start to hurt after a few hours in front of a computer screen searching for a hot date online, you could step into the real world -- you know, the real world where people eat out (honorable mention goes to the Baghdad Café for its 24-hour pickup reputation), work, and stay in hotels. There is just something about hotel bedding that brings out everyone's inner freak. Weary tourists away from their husbands and wives are an especially easy mark for S.F. succubi and incubi, and the best plan is to hang around the lobby riffling through papers and then start with some shameless small talk.

The Triton Hotel has a lobby happy hour that is notoriously friendly and filled with good-looking, literate types from around the world. And for those who simply can't wait to get laid, try any Fisherman's Wharf hotel lobby for horny German tourists hoping to sample a realSan Francisco treat.

Need a more direct approach? Billing itself as "San Francisco's premier adult club for couples," Lush is one of precious few swingers' clubs in town where you are likely to meet someone you actually want to kiss, let alone fuck. A word of caution: To keep this space hoppin' with hotties, the underground club screens its guests, charges a pretty penny to keep the riff-raff out, and does not allow you to go alone. But if you have a fat wad of cash and a good-looking friend who is game, Lush is a fun way to explore the wilder side of San Francisco's horny masses.

If you fail to pick up a willing partner in bars, at swingers' clubs, or via the Internet, there is always the last vestige of the truly desperate -- the pro. Men have the most choices in this area, of course, and San Francisco has a myriad of "escorts" willing to provide you company if you've got the cash. Web sites such as Erosguide.com serve up hundreds of local ladies ready and all too willing to come to your home or office if you have an extra $300 (stock options not accepted) lying around.

Women don't seem to have the same idiotic desire to pay for "company" that men seem to have, perhaps because they know they can get it for free (or $10 or so) from their hunky taxicab driver. It may sound clichéd, but I know a surprising number of women who have dirty San Francisco taxicab confessions to make. What better way for the desperate/horny seductress to satisfy her lustful craving than to lure a hot Russian driver upstairs for "cab fare"? I have it on good authority that the guys who work for Veteran's are skilled in many areas besides red-light running.

Charlie Amter is co-editor ofHorny? San Francisco.

 
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