By Ian S. Port
By Cory Sklar
By Godofredo Vasquez
By Gil Riego Jr.
By Ian S. Port
By Ian S. Port
By Christopher Victorio
By Ian S. Port
CHUNX: This is the kind of music I would listen to in high school because I always wanted to sit and contemplate shit. But now I'm through with thinking and I just want to hear bubblegum jams and dumb epic rock while I play with myself and watch Fear Factor.
Deerhoof -- "Gigadence"
(Lullaby for the truly deranged or clang, clang, buzz, chirp, chirp.)
CHUNX: If someone turned this on during coitus, I would pee all over myself and the other person, and then throw myself out the window. Too scary!
GREEN: Wow, cool, this is weird. Oh wait, it's Deerhoof, isn't it! It's got that Deerhoof "signature sound," ha ha. I especially like the Phantom of the Opera organ.
Gift of Gab -- "Rat Race"
(Blackalicious MC goes so(u)lo, navigating the daily grind.)
GREEN: I don't like this kind of hip hop: it's too slow and it doesn't go anywhere, just circling around the same groove for three minutes. The stoners will like it, though, I'm sure.
CHUNX: Before we started Gravy Train!!!!, I kinda wanted to sound like this -- legitimate in some way. Talking about things that made sense. Obviously we abandoned all that, but I still appreciate it from other groups.
Coachwhips - "Thee Alarm"
(Distorto punk, sounds like the best album ever made by malfunctioning animatronic monkeys.)
CHUNX: Dear Garage Rock Revival, I want my Drags, Gories, and Headcoats back. People are molesting your genre! And recording it! Screw R. Kelly, where is this band's trial?
GREEN: I am over-Dwyered. I have reached my max capacity for [Coachwhips singer/guitarist John] Dwyer and can no longer comment objectively on his records. And no, he didn't sleep with my girlfriend, so shut up.
The Pleased -- "We Are the Doctor"
(Altrock seemingly designed to make people think the Strokes have a new, crappy album out.)
CHUNX: Car commercial ready. All aboard the Saturn and past a dreamlike high school prom scene. Destination: Boredsville
GREEN: Is this Radiohead? I'm bored. Can we hear that Deerhoof track again? It's weird!
John Vanderslice -- "Pale Horse"
CHUNX: Medieval and uneven. If these guys have beards, I will excuse it.
GREEN: This sounds like my good buddy John Vanderslice. I love the way his records sound -- they are three-dimensional.
(House DJ Farina scores KCRW hit with the help of singer/songwriter Hayes.)
GREEN: Hmm. Not much going on here. The singer sounds like James Taylor. I would skip this song in favor of "Fire and Rain."
Grateful Dead -- "Black Peter"
(Bunch of hairy guys playing country music, sort of.)
CHUNX: I think I might be pretty into this guy sexually. I want him to write a song about me. He could call it "Spread Eagle Slutbag," and it would still be pretty and sweet, probably.
GREEN: Ha ha, this is the Grateful Dead! You can't fool me. I like this song -- it was recorded a few days before Jerry lost his voice for good, and he spares you that incessant, terrible guitar noodling of his, thank God.
Top 10 Bay Area Music Scene Urban Legends
1.The barrel of peanuts at the Eagle Tavern is used as a cum bucket when they shoot pornos there.
2. The Great American Music Hall is haunted.
3. Metallica formed over a brisket at Tommy's Joint. (Also, many years later, the group tried to sue Canadian rockers Unfaith over the use of the E and F chords.)
4. At the height of the O'Farrell Theater's fame, employees from the strip club and neighboring Great American Music Hall swapped free entries. One night, Marilyn Chambers "jammed" with Merl Saunders and Jerry Garcia.
6. American Music Club's Mark Eitzel has his hat superglued on.
8. Chris Isaak's schlong is so big he needs to have his jeans tailored.
9. When a famous indie singer/songwriter did a live show in town several years ago, she was paid in $20 bills. She then proceeded to shoot some smack and bleed and vomit on those bills. And then the club realized it had overpaid her and needed to take back some of the soiled cash.
10. When the Grateful Dead toured, the band always stayed in Room 420.
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