Letter Perfect

Dear Social Grace,

What is the proper monogram for my fiance and I once we are married? My full name is Meredith "Limerick" and his is Ronald "Cork." Does my first initial come first or his?

Thanks,
Meredith

Dear Meredith,

With this, the last monogram-etiquette question I shall ever answer in this space, I want to say this to acronym-loving readers: When you are ready to have something monogrammed, the embroiderer or engraver should certainly be able to explain what is considered standard and proper. You should be given options and explanations. If you aren't, take your initials and your hand towels and seek out a more knowledgeable, reputable monogramming establishment.

I suspect that a good portion of the many monogram questions I receive are the result of new-engagement daydreams, and with a curmudgeonly but indulgent sigh, I shall help yours along: A married couple's joint monogram (which normally appears on household items) features the wife's initial first, with the initial of the last name in the middle. Your new family monogram might be MCR. If you and your husband will have different last names, a sensible monogram might be simply LC.

Dear Social Grace,

A very dear friend and her husband adopted an infant from China last year, and in a couple of weeks, the child will be becoming a U.S. citizen. I have been invited to attend the ceremony and a luncheon after. What would be a fabulous gift in celebration of thisbig event? I was thinking of something like a personalized leather passport holder for the baby. Thank you.
Sidney

Dear Sidney,

I'm not sure that I can improve upon your idea -- in fact, I almost wonder why you wrote to me at all. But the subject of baby gifts is an agreeable one, and I do have a couple more ideas for you to consider.

Your suggestion makes sense: A good present for an infant is often one that is either a gift for the parents or something the child can appreciate when he's a bit older. I might liken the event you describe to a baby's christening (also a ceremony at which a baby is welcomed into a community that he cannot yet comprehend or appreciate).

Another appropriate gift would be a U.S. savings bond -- even a small amount now may be helpful when your friends' child heads off to college, say. Or you could choose a symbolic gift of some sort: a globe or a U.S. history book suitable for a child, for instance. The new American may not enjoy these gifts yet, but when he's ready for them, there they will be.

Dear Social Grace,

A college friend is getting married the same weekend as my grandmother's 90th birthday (one month from now). I just found out last weekend that my family is throwing my grandmother a surprise party that weekend. My grandmother and I are very close, and we have a large family, all of whom live locally, so I'll be the only one not in attendance.

I'm not a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding but was asked to hand out programs (consolation prize for being the only friend attending who wasn't included in the wedding party). I would really prefer to go to the birthday party instead of the wedding (the events are in different states).

Is there any acceptable way to back out of the wedding at this stage in the game? Or am I obligated to attend? Any etiquette insight would be appreciated.

Caroline

Dear Caroline,

In terms of wedding invitations, a person changes a "yes" to a "no" only in cases of real emergency -- especially if she is participating in the wedding (even in a small way). It's just not nice to switch an acceptance to a refusal simply because a better offer has come along. An obligation is an obligation, sez etiquette.

But your situation does present an obvious conundrum: No matter what you do, it seems, you run the risk of hurting or offending someone. Your job, then, is to figure out who will be more hurt/offended by your absence. Your own preferences as to which event you'd rather attend should be left out of this decision.

I'd like to think that a friend would be understanding of a last-minute cancellation such as yours -- I mean, you have a good reason. But backing out of your duties may cost you her friendship.

I'd also like to think that your family would respect you for fulfilling your obligations, even if that meant missing an important family event. (You could visit your grandmother after the wedding, perhaps.) It seems to me that, seeing as how the rest of your family will be there to celebrate with your grandmother, and seeing as how you weren't planning to visit your grandmother on her birthday when you accepted your friend's invitation, your wedding obligation comes first. However, there are imaginable circumstances (you haven't mentioned them, but they may be present) -- a loved one's poor health, say -- that might warrant an etiquette dispensation.

You have a difficult decision to make. Good luck.