Pony Up: Sonic Youth

Sonic Nurse

Ponytails. They're the only way to know if men over 45 are "with it." Ponytails are the nonverbal signal for cool, a fashion-smart way of saying, "I'm lookin' clean and tidy, but check me on the flip side and I'll show you what I'm really about." I'll be blunt: If you don't have a p-tail, then I'm not interested in you or your band. Sonic Youth's members are supposedly hip guys 'n' gals over the age of 45, yet where are the ponytails? Take some inventory, Sonic Youth. You may have discovered Nirvana and changed the face of modern music with your experimental riffs, but there are no ponies on the track. So though this collection of songs has all the textured rock anthems I need, it has to be reissued with new cover art that shows the band can still relate to the youth market via haircuts. Ponytail haircuts. Sonic Nurse is a superb record, even genius, but until those fuckers grow 'tails I'm gonna have to give it negative-16 stars.

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