Don't Park There

The Unwritten Rules of Parking in San Francisco

A A A Comments (1) By Dan Siegler and Rachel Quinn Wednesday, Jul 7 2004

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Common-Fucking-Sense Rules

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It's outrageous that we even have to waste space on this.

1) When parking, don't take two spaces. If there's a big stretch of curb, pull all the way up into the space. There are other people who need to find parking, too, if you haven't noticed.

2) If you're about to parallel park and are waiting for a car to leave, wait behind it with your turn signal on. After it pulls out, move your car up and back into the space. This was common fucking sense even before the 1992 Seinfeld episode.

3) It's OK if someone's car is touching your bumper. Relax. It's not your dick. It's a bumper.

4) If you have a driveway, don't park in the street. If you don't have a driveway, don't park in someone else's. Need we draw you a diagram?

5) Following someone to his car, block after block, so you can take his spot is creepier than thinking of the Olsen twins as sex objects. Cut it out.

6) Don't park in the middle of the fucking street on Valencia, Guerrero, and Dolores on Sundays. Oh, you're in church? Right ....

7) Small zippy imports find spaces. Big American clunkers do not. Any questions?

8) Most of the tickets you get are your fault, and you know it.

9) You're an asshole beyond belief if you try to save a space for your friend by standing in it. We hope you get run over.

10) There's only so much bitching you are permitted on this parking thing. Cars are for suburbs, not cities. If you can't handle it, sell your stupid clunker and take Muni. Or, better yet, move to Colma.

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