Songs of Freedom

Pros/Cons: The flat buzz of the EAS signal is representative of Cheney's public profile -- plain yet foreboding, simple yet terrifying. But he can do better.

Suggested Replacement: John Williams' "The Imperial March," from Star Wars

Sample Lyrics: "Dahhn, dahhn, dahhn, dahn-da-da, dahn-da-da/ Dahhn, dahhn, dahhn, dahn-da-da, dahn-da-da."

Alternate: R.E.M., "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"

Sample Lyrics: "A tournament, tournament, a tournament of lies."

Politician:Arnold Schwarzenegger

Current Songs: U2, "Beautiful Day"; Twisted Sister, "We're Not Gonna Take It"

Pros/Cons: For better or worse, Arnold's not quite as demonic as his above-mentioned Republican peers -- he can smile, crack jokes, and even make fun of himself. But since we all know that Arnold is the devil incarnate, a true Manchurian Candidateplotting his slow ascent to the highest office in the land, where he will engineer our ultimate enslavement by his secretive partners, the International Federation of BodyBuilders (hel-lo -- aliens!), it's my thinking that he should start dropping a few subtle, subversive hints.

Suggested Replacement: Cannibal Corpse, "I Will Kill You"

Sample Lyrics: "Bleed for my pain/ Revenge on treacherous snakes/ They will pay/ Slicing the flesh/ Sculptured wounds my catharsis."

Alternate: R.E.M., "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"

Sample Lyrics: "It's the end of the world as we know it/ It's the end of the world as we know it/ It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine."