The One-Month Itch

Dear Social Grace,

I need your help. I met this really wonderful girl about a month ago and I finally asked her to be my girlfriend. I'm at college and she graduated last spring, so I usually go to her house on the weekends. But every time I return to campus I have these bites on my back and arms. She and her sister both have dogs, but I believe her sister's dog has fleas (I've seen my girlfriend put drops into her dog's coat). I'm not sure how to tell her politely that I don't want the dog on the couch where I'm sitting. And I'm always a little nervous when the dog jumps on the bed. Please help me -- this is driving me crazy. I need a tactful way to tell her this.

Thanks,
Itching Back

Dear Itchy Madam or Sir,

The unimpeachably tactful and chivalrous way to handle this situation would be to blame yourself, thus offering the guilty party the chance to honorably take the blame from you (or, at least, deal with the problem on her own). "Aren't I a ridiculous creature," you could say, "to have suddenly developed an allergy to dogs? Why, I've broken out in a rash on my arms. I'm so sorry, but I think I should probably let your sister's adorable doggy have the sofa. I'll sit here on this chair." Hopefully, your girlfriend would then apologize, explain the flea problem, and try to fix it while accommodating you and your need to be far from the hound. If she doesn't -- if, for example, she says, "OK, then," and snuggles up to the pooch -- at least you'll have learned where you sit in relation to the pooch (literally and figuratively).

But good manners don't necessarily require that sort of subterfuge here. Yes, a fundamental requirement of courtesy is that we let minor annoyances pass without comment. And yes, another fundamental requirement is that we consider others' feelings before we speak. But regular exposure to an infestation of fleas falls, I'd say, outside the realm of "minor annoyance." Surely, a woman worthy of your romantic attentions could be spoken to discreetly and directly about this matter. In your place, I would privately, and while expressing my understanding that these fleas were in no way connected to her or her housekeeping abilities, ask my dearest darling whether a dog in her home might have fleas. Then I would ask what we, together, could do about the problem.

Dear Social Grace,

With the holidays coming up, my partner and I are faced with a dilemma. We have a wonderful and very generous circle of friends, but money is very tight this year on our end (we're pretty certain it is on some of their ends, too). We simply can't afford to exchange gifts with all of them this year. We plan to have them all over for dinner to celebrate the New Year, and just their presence and friendship is gift enough. Is there a proper way to express this, and if so, how do we even bring it up?

Michael

Dear Michael,

Hosting friends at a holiday dinner is, in fact, a lovely gift -- so there's no need to explain to anyone that you're not giving presents this year. Besides, telling someone that you're not giving him a gift is both redundant and potentially embarrassing for everyone involved. Your wonderful, generous friends surely understand that a gift not given is impossible to notice, and that any gift should be accepted as a delightful surprise.

I advise you, too, to keep that idea in mind. I usually suggest that a request for "no gifts" be made personally (not on an invitation) -- if it must be made at all. So, for instance, when your friends reply to your invitation, you could say something like, "We're so glad you can join us for a holiday celebration, but please understand that this isn't a gift-giving event; your presence is the best present we could receive."

Dear Social Grace,

In planning my Thanksgiving dinner I sent out an e-mail to several of my friends asking them to join. I have heard back from nearly all but one (it's been a week and a half). This is not the first time this person has neglected to RSVP an invite from me and I feel insulted. While an easy solution would be to stop inviting this person, I do enjoy their company, and we hang around in the same circle, so to not invite them would seem exclusionary. How do I approach this without seeming too confrontational?

Turkey Hostess

Dear Fowl-Tempered Madam,

A gracious hostess would assume (or pretend to assume) that any error was hers (because it might very well have been), and she would call her otherwise nice friend and say something along the lines of this: "I sent an e-mail inviting you to Thanksgiving dinner, and since I haven't heard back from you yet, I'm worried that you never received it. I hope I didn't mistype your address or something like that. If I did, please forgive me, and accept this belated invitation." With most habitual "non-RSVP-ers," this method need be employed only a couple of times before the lesson takes hold. And with that, I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.