"Oh, groupies, baby!" I note.
This is all starting to sound pretty darn good. I just might actually get a real Austin Powers gig from being undercover at this convention.
Harmon Leon
You guess the celebrities!
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"Just learn a few of the key catchphrases," the fake Joan Rivers' husband/manager advises. "I think you got it!"
Of course, he's wrong. After the scene with Fox News, the three Shania Twains, and Carmen Miranda, someone leaks that I'm actually not a real Austin Powers impersonator, but an imposter Austin Powers impersonator. Yes, I'm outed (perhaps by the Rod Stewart from Canada?) as an undercover reporter.
I spend the remainder of the convention trying to avoid Joan Rivers and those who are in charge of the event, lurking in shadows, hiding behind Kenny Rogers and Jay Leno. With extreme envy, I look on as chubby Austin Powers has tourists clamoring for group photos.
"Say 'shag-a-delic'!" he quips (that's my line!) as cameras click.
"Austin, where's your outfit?" a lovable, Osbourne-dad Ozzy asks me.
"I've gone civilian," I say, making a sad face.
Little kids rush to lovable Ozzy for autographs (do they know he's not the real thing?!) while a much taller Ozzy -- more the biting-the-heads-off-bats Ozzy -- stands nearby.
"Vegas is the worst. It's a very competitive town," complains the taller, unauthorized Ozzy with the intensity of a man who has been awake for days. "If you're really good, people will turn against you."
"Do you feel competition with the other Ozzy impersonators?" I ask.
"No," snaps unauthorized Ozzy. "Only with the real Ozzy, because we're searching for the same band members!" He then adds: "You got to support the other Ozzy impersonators. I've driven two out of town so far. One guy came to see my show, and he left on the Greyhound the very next day. I was so realhe couldn't even deal with it."
The convention comes to a head with the wedding of an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator to a Shania Twain impersonator. The two, who met at last year's convention, decided to tie the knot with an extravaganza that attracts almost as many paparazzi as would the real stars.
"Have you had any celebrity weddings here?" I ask the woman at the wedding chapel.
"No," she answers. "But VH1 had a ceremony here where two dogs married each other. The two owners exchanged collars."
The wedding begins. A George Bush impersonator comes in with Laura. (She entertained us earlier with a confusing, pro-war rap called "Thank God George Is the President!") He looks so much like Bush it makes me laugh. (He says he actually met the real George W., who supposedly asked an aide afterward, "Did you all get a look at that guy?!")
Then enters Arrrrrrrrnold, now clad in a tux, followed by the lovely Shania Twain. Numerous photographers dance around as flashes flash and shutters click.
"This is truly a time you both will never forget," intones the man conducting the ceremony. "You'll look back and say, 'Do you remember our wedding day in Las Vegas?'"
After an exchange of wedding rings come the tears. Laura Bush is crying. So is Whoopi Goldberg. They are not impersonating their emotions; these are real, actual tears.
"What a special day," quips a cynical Discovery Channel cameraman.
As far as I'm concerned, though, it was by far the nicest celebrity impersonator wedding I've ever been to.
