Huge clapping. Shouts of "All RIGHT!" I pull out my hand-held American flag and wave it around.
"Go Niners!" I cry for no reason.
"I got two questions," asks one of the many large red-faced men with arms folded. "How do we fight this when we see it happening in our town? My second question: Can we really stop it or are they doing things now under the table?"
"That's what collectivists and the government do," the evil schoolmaster says. "I mean, they aren't going to give up. One thing you can do is if you have information that suggests that that is going on, that race-based preferences are being used, I'll give you my card."
Finally my caramel-apple fruit pocket pancakes arrive, and they're absolutely delicious! As I pour on the boysenberry syrup, the evil schoolmaster moves to more serious matters.
"The collectivist state and local government have sought to deny to the Boy Scouts of America their constitutional right to practice their long-held philosophical beliefs and values," Sterling says, referencing the Boy Scouts' opposition to gay membership.
As others gasp, I attempt a shocked spit-take with vanilla shake in my mouth. The creepy uncle shoots me another stern look.
The schoolmaster dives into the problems that collectivist wackos have created by enforcing environmental laws. Sterling tells a story about a Michigan businessman who was, supposedly, sentenced to 10 months in a federal prison camp and fined $185,000 just for "moving sand around on his property and filling in a scientifically questionable wetland on his property."
"What?" someone says.
"No way!" another outraged Town Haller blurts.
"Boycott France!" I yell.
Now the sarcasm comes thick as the topic turns to endangered species. Schoolmaster Sterling smiles with thin lips. "So you have a person who owns a piece of property," he says. "The federal government comes in and says, 'I'm sorry, we have noticed that this little critter lives on this property, so we're going to list it as an endangered species under the Endangered Species Act.'"
"America for Americans!" I say, waving my tiny flag. I stop when the creepy uncle starts whispering to his neighbor.
"As a result of that, anything you do that harms, even psychologically," Sterling says, "I kid you not, even psychologically harms the species, will cause legal action.
"What the collectivists and what the environmental movement and what the Sierra Club is trying to do is return 50 percent of this country to the wild. You say that can't be. Yes, that is the agenda."
Amid appalled gasps, a concerned, mustachioed man wearing suspenders screeches, "Basically put the people on reservations."
"Boycott Germany!" I suggest.
"In effect that's what they are doing," Sterling confirms, then speaks very slowly and distinctly. "So ... animals ... can ... migrate ... all ... the ... way ... across ... the ... western ... United ... States ... up ... into ... Canada."
"Is there a Mexican migration?" bellows a plump, red-faced man with crossed arms who enjoys an enormous swell of laughter from a roomful of IHOP patriots who are, to all appearances, absolutely oblivious to the Hispanic waiters clearing away their pancake plates.
