Welcome to the Valley

"We need water on the set," the production assistant announces.

"OK, we're rolling here," says Rob, the producer of The Contortionist and the Milton Berle of porn-set humor. "Cameron, get a dick in your mouth."

Click here for Essential Glossary.

Related Content

• The Examiner's Crime Reporters Get a Mary-Kate & Ashley Makeover
  January 24, 2012
• Why You Should Fake It on Facebook
  January 5, 2012
• Jay-Z and Kanye West's Watch the Throne: A First Listen
  August 9, 2011
• Sundance dominated by cults and the uncertain future
  February 2, 2011
• (100) Days of Summer Movies
  May 19, 2010

More About

• Olsen Twins
• Mary-Kate Olsen
• Ashley Olsen
• Pornography
• Celebrity News

The director, with cigarette in his mouth, yells, "Action!" Harv removes Cameron's shirt.

"Hand on her breast again, Harv," a cameraman directs. "Arch your back again."

My stomach loudly grumbles. The jaded boom guy shoots me a look. Naked Harv is now at full attention. I don't find this pleasant.

"Play with the breasts, Harv!"

The camera crew dances around, dramatically switching angles as Harv gets down to tongue exercises. Cameron grunts and groans as if she's having a tooth pulled.

"Guys, let's move this coffee table!"

The actors momentarily stop the monkey dance as the crew removes the piece of furniture.

"Harv, can you turn your head so the shadow doesn't fall on her Mrs. Butterworth?" spouts the suspendered director, taking another drag off his cigarette.

"We got six minutes of tape!" declares the rotund sound guy. "Let's roll out to hard-core!"

Harv and Cameron start going at it with monkey-in-heat fervor, loudly grunting and using various descriptive, declarative sentences. A gramps breathes heavily over my shoulder. I move across the room and nibble into a doughnut from the food table. "These are good doughnuts," I tell the other porn actress, who's 20, has huge fake ta-tas, and goes by the name Honey.

"Weren't you on the Gush IIshoot?" Honey asks me.

"No," I say, pretty sure she's mistaking me for Harmon-the-German, my evil porn twin.

On set, the tempo builds. It builds! It builds! It builds! Then the rotund sound guy barks, "Let's change the tape!" Everything comes to a grinding halt. Harv dismounts. Still fully aroused, he takes time for a cigarette and shares his mainstream aspirations to be a stand-up comedian.

Being in the comedy industry, I offer advice to nude, aroused Harv.

"When at a comedy club," I advise, "be sure not to hump anything onstage!"

Harv takes this in, then pulls out a tube of lube and lotions up his Calvin Coolidge. I could really do without that.

"OK guys, we're back to work again!" commands the director.

Cameron starts bouncing away like she's riding a crazed pogo stick.

Again, the moment is short-lived. The production assistant rushes in. "If anyone is not parked in our spots, they're towing cars!"

Everything is brought to a halt.

"Am I good across the street?" inquires Harv of the naked woman mounted on top of him. The worried porn starlet dismounts.

"Can you make sure my car is safe?" she asks. There's much talk about parking and moving cars.

When the parking situation is cleared up, the director shouts, "We're going into reverse combo." Harv lubes up again, re-preparing his Andrew Jackson. Must he do that?

"You guys are doing great!" says the cameraman. "Look over your shoulder, Cameron."

The tempo builds. It builds! It builds! It builds!

"I got a muscle cramp!" Cameron suddenly cries.

Once again, everything is brought to a dead halt.

"Kind of walk around and put some weight on it," yells the director.

Apologetic, Cameron hops around naked. The boom guy takes time to read the paper. One of the grips naps on the couch.

Porn fun fact!:Do you ever wonder why you don't see the Olsen Twins in porn movies? That's because showing the Olsen Twins is illegal!

Things suddenly turn really depressing.

Looking closely at the monitor, the director in suspenders shouts, "Jim, we need a courtesy wipe!" He points to the monitor, right at the insertion point. "I think I see some the Olsen Twins!"

The porn starlet stops monkey-grunting. She freaks out. "What's wrong?! What's wrong?!"

"Nothing," the director says, cigarette still in mouth. "Can I get some baby wipes please?"

"It's just the lube!" she stretches for an excuse.

"I thought I saw something you could wipe off," explains the director. "Sorry to stop the momentum."

The freaked porn starlet storms off the set. Porn isn't as glamorous as it looks.

Porn fun fact!: Did you know the average career span of a porn actress is two years? But remember: Porn years are like dog years, only more so. Each year in porn is 15 years of regular life!

We have no other choice but to break for lunch. The entree: greasy chicken. While I try to eat my greasy chicken, the director and the rotund sound guy watch the Olsen Twins footage as if it were Zapruder footage.

"Have we done anything illegal? No!" the director in suspenders rationalizes. "Have we done anything to stop getting this sold? No!"

What they have done is ruin my appetite.

"That separates the professionals from those who want to be -- they can't handle the pressure," Gino, a seven-year porn vet who is in the next scene, notes philosophically.

I ask Gino to pass the coleslaw. He rambles on, making eye contact strong enough that it goes beyond my comfort level. "When I 'pop,'" Gino explains, "I don't want a lot of guys hanging around, but I still do it. I block it out. I truly go into a zone."