Welcome to the Valley

I can't take my eyes off of Gino -- winner of last year's Adult Video News award for Best Oral Sex Scene -- mostly because of his obvious hairpiece. I ask a burning question: "Why do you like porn?"

"I'm kind of an exhibitionist. I get turned on having people watch and guys thinking, 'I want to be in his shoes.' I like acting," Gino says as Honey walks by; he points to her. "And I get to have sex with that beautiful woman."

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Rob, the producer and Milton Berle of porn, interrupts. "I made him do this scene where he's shaking hands with a 60-year-old woman."

I have another heaping serving of coleslaw as Honey and Gino, who'll soon be having sex, meet for the first time.

"What have you heard about me?" asks Gino.

"That you have a big Woodrow Wilson!"

"Any notes?" Gino asks.

Honey thinks for a moment. "Don't stick your finger in my Olsen Twins place," she says, pausing. "Unless you ask!"

The day drags on like high school. Right after the director screams, "I don't know where she took off to, but she better be back by 6!" Cameron reappears, looking as if sudden noises would instigate screaming.

"Are you OK?" asks the director in a sleazy/fatherly sort of way.

She nods weakly, like a wounded deer. It's a tender moment that's interrupted by, "OK, let's get some soft-core coverage!"

"God, it's good baby!" shouts Harv as the camera rolls. From this angle I notice Harv has a very flabby ass.

The rotund sound guy reads tech cues from a clipboard. "We got five [minutes of film] hard and three-plus on soft!"

There's a brief discussion about where Harv should praise Jesus. Several of Cameron's body parts are mentioned.

"Can we get it down her Mrs. Butterworth, or is that illegal?" asks a concerned Harv.

It's finally agreed: the bottom. Harv shall praise Jesus on the bottom! Hurrah for all!

They assume the praise Jesus position. Once again, direct, descriptive, declarative sentences are shouted.

I feel a bit nauseous; the greasy chicken, Harv's flabby ass -- it's all turning me off. The producer walks around with dollar signs in his eyes.

"I have four minutes of tape left; do you want him to praise Jesus?" asks the rotund sound guy.

"All right, let's bring it home!" barks the director, captain of a copulating ship.

While being captured from all camera angles, Harv finally praises Jesus. The moment is faked several times for facial close-up purposes.

"And cut!"

I thought there might be some sort of applause or celebration. Instead, the director, with cigarette in mouth, snaps, "Give her two pieces of toilet paper to wipe the Jesus praise off her Mrs. Butterworth!"

Without fanfare, Cameron is quickly clothed for the next scene. With that, I retire from being a clothed porn extra, thinking that, if my dad had brought me to a porn set when I was but a lad, he could have effortlessly explained to me the beauty behind the facts of life.