Getting Rich the American Way -- Quick

Business opportunities so good they just have to be written about

"It varies. You can rent it out for about $200 to $700 per night."

"Really?! Where?"

"At conventions, bars, or derbies ...."

"What's a derby?"

"It's like a contest."

"Oh my God! How the hell can I get one?"

"Well, they sell for 32."

"Thirty-two dollars?"

"No, $3,200."

Conclusion:This has got to be the stupidest moneymaking idea since the advent of Oscar. By the time I figure out how to use the Virtual Fishing Simulator, the company will be long out of business.

Fourth Get-Rich-Quick Attempt

Idea: The Comfort Zone

Ad:A self-confident man named Virgil Klunder, of Fort Myers, Fla., stands with his hand on the hood of a shiny brand-new convertible. "My first cart made $72,376 in the first seven weeks!"

Prediction: Wow! With those figures, if I worked for 14 weeks, I could make enough for FOUR shiny brand-new convertibles!

The Call: "I'm a friend of Virgil Klunder. Tell me more about starting my own cart business."

"What I can send you is a 12- to-15-page booklet, a sample of our product, and a videotape for $4.95."

"Huh! Well, what is your product?"

"It's a fully patented line of reusable hot and cold therapy pads, which you sell off a cart in a shopping mall."

"Does it come with the cart?"

"No, the mall supplies the cart."

"Will it make me rich?!"

"You can make lots of money, but it varies."

"Pardon my swearing, but fuck me sideways! [Pause] How do I get started?!"

"Well, the minimum investment is $12,500 ...."

Conclusion:I would need a reusable hot and cold therapy pad if I spent $12,500 on this idiotic venture.

Fifth Get-Rich-Quick Attempt

Idea: Optikleer

Ad:Make $90 per hour, for a profit of 3,500 percent, repairing broken, scratched, or cracked windshields!

Prediction:OK, so this won't make me a millionaire, but I'd settle for making $90 per hour. Earning $90 per hour -- is that too much to ask?

The Call: "Hi! How can I make $90 per hour, like your ad says?"

"By fixing cracks and breaks in windshields."

"Yeah [I add a little of my own wisdom], people always crack their windshields and need them fixed!"

"If you've ever had a broken windshield, then you know it can cost up to $2,000 to repair. You inject 15 to 20 cents' worth of repair resin. It takes about five minutes, and you charge the car owner $50."

"Is it hard to learn? Do I need to go to a special school? Is there special eyewear required?!"

"The average guy buys the kit and the video and goes to a junkyard with a slingshot. After two or three nights of practice, he gets it down. Each kit is somewhere under $1,000. And you get enough resin to make 300 to 500 repairs."

Conclusion: The only way I'd make any money would be by moonlighting as a car window smasher.

Well, it looks pretty iffy, getting rich quick. The only ones getting rich fast are people who scam others into forking over their cash for manuals, videos, and useless Virtual Fishing Simulators. I guess I'll have to go back to the original plan of becoming rich gradually. Then again, I have a video on how to get rich writing columns, if you're interested.

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