German Heat!

Dieter is here. Fawn, Hollywood agents. Fawn, Dieter says.

"We'll see you up there," says the leader.

"Are you all right?" asks the second in command.

"Many cards," I say like a confused German.

Stop No. 3 -- Slightly Cheesy Hollywood Agency

I'm now wearing a black eye patch; yes, a pirate eye patch! I thought this would make a nice final touch. Catching my reflection in the lobby glass door, I look creepy -- very creepy.

For the last meeting, I make sure I'm 20 minutes late.

"Ja, Dieter is here!"

The receptionist looks mildly frightened, giving me an "I can get security up here in 10 seconds" look. Unlike at other agencies, I'm not offered the obligatory bottle of cold water. Are they discriminating against eye-patch wearers?!

Though late, I'm left waiting another 15 minutes. Dieter will defiantly not be signing with this agency! I pass the time by having a fake, heated German argument on my cell phone.

"Shvanta shvieter shvieser!!!"

Finally a man comes around the corner with hand extended for shaking.

"Dieter?" he asks.

I raise my finger, implying I'm not done with my German phone argument. I wait a few seconds, conclude my call, turning my head and exposing that I am one who wears an eye patch. Though I have an elaborate back story involving an escaped Frankfurt circus tiger, it goes unneeded.

We walk toward an office.

"Many people vant Dieter to sign. Dieter has had many meetings!" I proclaim, almost bumping into a wall because of my obstructed vision. Another well-dressed agent joins us. He looks at me as if I'd just stolen silverware. They sit in separate parts of the room, so I can only focus on one well-dressed agent at a time. I think they're going to play a "good cop/bad cop" thing.

I tell them about my act, the problems with the police and the drugs, and the show on German television with much fighting. My eye patch blocks the view of the good cop/bad cop reactions.

The good cop explains that there's a major buzz about me at the moment. This is very flattering to Dieter! Then he goes on to give the typical agency song and dance.

"Our agency, something-something, blah-blah-blah, etc., etc."

My mind wanders to thoughts of running through grassy meadows in my lederhosen. I'm snapped back to present reality by:

"Do I want to sign you right now? Sure! But I'll have to wait and see you perform. Then I can sign you at the festival. Don't sign with anyone until they see you perform; otherwise they won't know how to sell you."

I abruptly stand.

"The meeting must now end!"

I leave.

Epilogue: Almost immediately, the Hollywood insiders who had helped me set up the ruse received calls that anxiously inquired about when Dieter would be performing. The heat-hype spread faster than a Hollywood Hills brush fire.

A casting director at a major film studio called, saying the studio had heard secondhand about Dieter being added to the "New Faces" roster and wanting to get ahold of him before anyone else had a chance.

One agent dug deeper:

"I just had a very interesting meeting with Dieter Lietershvantz," he said. "He's cool, he's interesting, he's got a good look. I told him not to sign with anyone before the festival, because they would only be signing on hype."

"Yeah, that and a multimillion-dollar career in Germany," my insider embellished.

"Really!! Why didn't you tell me that before the meeting?!"

And this is the moral of the story: A Hollywood agent should never sign a client on hype -- unless the client has a fabricated, multimillion-dollar career in Deutschland.

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