Pin It

Ex Ed 

Our inhibitions are lowered, our ex is seated across from us. What to do ...

Wednesday, Jun 29 2005
Comments
Here's the thing about Miss Marple. The Agatha Christie heroine looks like a doddering old biddy who therefore must have a marked decrease in neural transfer caused by advanced age. But then she pulls out a Wu-Tang and surprises the constable on the case by informing him that no way could the wealthy dowager have done it; after all, the victim was a child she had secretly given up for adoption during the Great War. Furthermore, it had to be the kindly niece (who was wearing a blond wig at the time) who was the culprit -- the motive being, naturally, the inevitable outcome of passion rudely deflected.

Miss Marple is a fox in sheep's clothing. Join me as I attempt to make a connection between her, tropical drinks, and an ex-boyfriend.

We went to Trad'r Sam's on Geary to catch up, probably with the understanding that brightly colored concoctions that go down easy would lower our inhibitions enough to speak honestly. That is how a Singapore Sling is like Miss Marple: It looks innocent enough but will cut through bullshit in about 30 minutes.

We sat near the booth marked "Samoa" and across from the one marked "Honolulu," but when we looked up over our booth, there was no name for our seats. That should have been my first clue.

I ordered a Wipeout, the irony of which wasn't lost on me when I promptly knocked it over with my knee, sending aqua-blue slush all over the place. After that I decided to play it safe with a Surfer on Acid.

He told me I was beautiful but that I needed a haircut. He held my hand and asked me about the eczema across my two knuckles. I told him it was stress-related, and he asked if he should kiss it to make it better. That should have been my second clue.

"White Horse" by Laid Back came on the jukebox. Oh, no. There is something about early electro that really turns me on. I discovered this while on a date with my first boyfriend, Mark, whom I found very attractive but just couldn't quite feel any passion for. Then Mark played "Egyptian Lover" by the Egyptian Lover, and did a tiny little pop-lock when he handed me my Milwaukee's Best, and it didn't take long for the dry humping to ensue.

"If you wanna ride, don't ride the white horse ...."

"What song is this?" asked ex-boyfriend, who was sitting with me in the no-name booth at Trad'r Sam's. He thought it was funny that I knew all the words. I just stared at him with a look that said, "You mean to tell me that you have never heard this song, like, ever?" No, he hadn't. My disgust was quickly changed to excitement when I realized that the best part of the song was to come. "Here it comes," I said, chin up expectantly and pointing at the ceiling. "... You a bitch."

He laughed and I wanted to sit closer to him. This guy was a cheater and a liar, not to be trusted, which is probably why I fell so hard for him before. In my fantasies, he comes back to me and tells me that he has changed, that he knows himself now, that all those girls were an attempt to fill an emptiness that he now knows can only be filled by the love of one good woman.

Well, he said those things to me and the haze of rum and warm fuzzies clouded my judgment. The only bullshit that my drink cut through that night was the idea that I was over him. If Miss Marple were there she would have given me one look and then softly taken me by the arm and driven me back to St. Mary Mead for a nice cup of tea. But she wasn't there.

We held hands and snuggled, but I didn't let him kiss my eczema. I did, however, let him kiss my lips, and as the cliché goes, it was like slipping into a nice, comfortable old pair of shoes. Shoes that really turn me on.

A birthday was happening over in "Tonga." In fact, the entire place was packed to the bamboo with tipsy chicks with tiny umbrellas in their hair. I rested my head in his neck and smelled his familiar smell: pomade, Ivory soap, and whatever pheromones attracted me to him in the first place. This was the first guy who actually read my stuff after I said I was a writer. He was the first guy to appreciate the pie I baked for him with our initials cut into the top.

The big question was, of course, had he really changed? But I wouldn't need to worry about that until the next day.

Reader, I banged him, and we laughed and sighed and then reminisced. I let him kiss my rash. My cat slept between us and my dog licked his face in the morning. I didn't ask him when he wanted to hang out again, and he didn't say when he would call me. I sort of felt like a living version of a Tammy Wynette song, the ones before she stood up for herself. I tried to find clues in his behavior: Was he uncomfortable, or just tired? Did he want to get out of there, or was he going to be sad to leave me? On my way to work, I put in a Whodini tape (pop-locking the cassette in, of course) and sped off, content to live, for now, with the mystery.

About The Author

Katy St. Clair

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Slideshows

  • Nevada City and the South Yuba River: A gold country getaway

    Nestled in the green pine-covered hills of the Northern Sierra Nevada is the Gold Rush town of Nevada City. Beautiful Victorian houses line the streets, keeping the old-time charm alive, and a vibrant downtown is home to world-class art, theater and music. The nearby South Yuba River State Park is known for its emerald swimming holes during the summer and radiant leaf colors during autumn. These days the gold panning is more for tourists than prospectors, but the gold miner spirit is still in the air.

    South Yuba River State Park and Swimming Holes:
    The park runs along and below 20 miles of the South Yuba River, offering hiking, mountain biking, gold panning and swimming. The Highway 49 bridge swimming hole is seven-miles northwest of Nevada City where Highway 49 crosses the South Yuba River. Parking is readily available and it is a short, steep hike to a stunning swimming hole beneath a footbridge. For the more intrepid, trails extend along the river with access to secluded swim spots. The Bridgeport swimming hole has calm waters and a sandy beach -- good for families and cookouts -- and is located 14 miles northwest of Nevada City. Be sure to write down directions before heading out, GPS may not be available. Most swimming holes on the South Yuba River are best from July to September, while winter and spring can bring dangerous rapids. Always know the current before jumping in!

    Downtown Nevada City
    The welcoming, walkable downtown of Nevada City is laid back, yet full of life. Start your day at the cozy South Pine Cafe (110 S Pine St.) with a lobster benedict or a spicy Jamaican tofu scramble. Then stroll the streets and stop into the shop Kitkitdizzi (423 Broad St.) for handcrafted goods unique to the region, vintage wears and local art “all with California gold rush swagger,” as stated by owners Carrie Hawthorne and Kira Westly. Surrounded by Gold Rush history, modern gold jewelry is made from locally found nuggets and is found at Utopian Stone Custom Jewelers (301 Broad St.). For a coffee shop with Victorian charm try The Curly Wolf (217 Broad St.), an espresso house and music venue with German pastries and light fare. A perfect way to cool down during the hot summer months can be found at Treats (110 York St.) , an artisan ice cream shop with flavors like pear ginger sorbet or vegan chai coconut. Nightlife is aplenty with music halls, alehouses or dive bars like the Mine Shaft Saloon (222 Broad St.).

    The Willo Steakhouse (16898 State Hwy 49, Nevada City)
    Along Highway 49, just west of Nevada City, is The Willo, a classic roadhouse and bar where you’re welcomed by the smell of steak and a dining room full of locals. In 1947 a Quonset hut (a semi-cylindrical building) was purchased from the US Army and transported to its current location, and opened as a bar, which became popular with lumberjacks and miners. The bar was passed down through the decades and a covered structure was added to enlarge the bar and create a dining area. The original Quonset beams are still visible in the bar and current owners Mike Byrne and Nancy Wilson keep the roadhouse tradition going with carefully aged New York steaks and house made ingredients. Pair your steak or fish with a local wine, such as the Rough and Ready Red, or bring your own for a small corkage fee. Check the website for specials, such as rib-eye on Fridays.

    Outside Inn (575 E Broad St.)
    A 16-room motel a short walk from downtown, each room features a unique décor, such as the Paddlers’ Suite or the Wildflower Room. A friendly staff and an office full of information about local trails, swimming and biking gets you started on your outdoor exploration. Amenities include an outdoor shower, a summer swimming pool and picnic tables and barbeques. Don’t miss the free vegetable cart just outside the motel in the mornings.

    Written and photographed by Beth LaBerge for the SF Weekly.

  • Arcade Fire at Shoreline
    Arcade Fire opened their US tour at Shoreline Amphitheater to a full house who was there in support of their album "Reflector," which was released last fall. Dan Deacon opened the show to a happily surprised early audience and got the crowd actively dancing and warmed up. DEVO was originally on the bill to support Arcade Fire but a kayak accident last week had sidelined lead singer Mark Mothersbaugh and the duration of the west coast leg of the tour. Win Butler did a homage to DEVO by performing Uncontrollable Urge.

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed