Now comes a personal confession: "I'd have to say, never in my life I thought I'd be speaking to a group of people. If I can impact one person's life in here today, then it's worth it.
"The opportunity to impact people's lives is due to the situation I've been in."
AP Wide World Photos
Amber. My Amber.
Related Content
More About
We learn of all the places Amber (my Amber) has spoken, which include Holland, a business expo for women in Ottawa, and some other places.
"I think the ability to be resilient will turn anything negative into something positive."
I nod my head. A woman with a large yellow legal pad feverishly takes notes.
"Let go of that negativity and be positive and move forward!" she says, and then adds the inevitable, "I choose to draw my strength from God. Always have faith and courage in yourself."
I pick at my arm, my impure thoughts turning to the Runaway Bride as Amber strongly recommends that if we're not satisfied with our diets or our jobs, then we should simply change them.
"Fifteen- and 18-year-old women e-mail me and say what an influence and impact I've had in their life," Amber states.
"I've dated a sociopath and liar, so I can relate," offers a desperate housewife in a green jacket.
Amber -- myAmber -- concludes woodenly with, "In the end, it all comes to choices to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones."
There's light clapping, and I realize that I was wrong. Amber Frey isn't a horrible public speaker. Amber Frey is the Harriet Tubman of bland, predictable advice.
The notecard questions are read by the Learning Annex representative, who has a large theatrical voice but is, otherwise, a far cry from Inside the Actors Studio's James Lipton.
I'd hoped to ask Amber, "Is Scott Peterson hung like a Ringling Bros. circus elephant?" But I feel bad for everyone involved with this event. I feel bad for the folks who shelled out $20. I feel bad for the desperate housewives whose notion of a pillar of strength is Amber Frey. I feel bad for Amber Frey herself, displayed for the masses by some shady booking agent as if she were Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy. (I don't feel bad for the Learning Annex.)
At first the questions are predictable, and the answers reveal almost no personal insights.
Q: "Amber, were you in love with Scott Peterson?"
A: "I question what my emotions were at the time."
Q: "Amber, do you still think about him?"
A: "Yes and no, I guess."
"Hi Amber, no question. I just wanted to say how much I respect your strength."
Then the questions get weird ...
Q: "Amber, have you ever had an encounter with an angel?"
A: "I feel angels are messengers."
We get to my question now.
Q: "What would be a red flag for dating guys? How do you know if you've found Mr. Wrong?"
When it's read, I give Amber a firm thumbs-up.
A: "Listen to your intuition."
There is no tap dancing to close "An Evening With Amber Frey." Not even a card trick. ("Was your card the three of diamonds?") We're simply told she'll be signing copies of her book. It feels like the last minutes of a childhood Christmas when all you got for presents was socks.
"It sure ended early," remarks Ethel who smells like old people. "It was supposed to go until 9:30." She's a bit grumpy because her question didn't get read. "I was going to ask her," Ethel says, "'Why when all this was going on did you have a baby with another man?'"
A line forms for people to buy autographed copies of Witness($28). A guy who works at the hotel asks if he can get a picture with Amber. I'm about to profess my undying love and to ask if she'll dine with me at Applebee's when I'm stopped by the Learning Annex guy.
"You're the guy who writes the Infiltrator?"
"No, I'm not. You must have me mistaken for somebody else."
"Are you sure?" the guy says with a Mr. Smarty-Pants smirk. "I did a Google image search on your name, and it looks just like you."
Balls! If this guy blows my cover in front of myAmber, I'll have no choice but to dump his body in the Berkeley Marina on my next Christmas Eve fishing trip.
At least someone learned something from this workshop.
