Headbanging for Jesus!

Infiltrator gets booked on a Christian talk show

"They kind of don't understand it when I call them up and tell them to shield the dark forces and follow the path of Jesus," I say, adding, "Yeah, they kind of freak out."

[Pause]

"They still got the devil whispering in their ear."

I elaborate the heights (or depths) to which I've gone to spread the Word! "I went to Ozzfest and assembled this large wooden cross and tied it to my back, in order to warn people about the evils going on inside. Those bands sing about fornication, drug use, how great it is to wake up lying in their own vomit," I explain as the host nods encouragingly. "Almost everybody looked at me like I was crazy. But a few people stopped and listened. One kid even ripped up his concert ticket. If I can reach just one kid, then it's worth it."

I make a proud face.

"That's very brave of you," the third-grade schoolteacher/host confirms.

But there was a price for my bravery. "Yeah, um, but I actually ended up getting arrested, 'cause with my cross, someone thought I was part of the Klan," I add. "But if I could save one person, then going to jail was worth it!"

Changing the subject, the host asks, "What Christian metal bands out there do you like?"

Being I don't really know any Christian speed-metal bands, I use a little something I call "improvisation." I say, "There's a great metal band out of Portland called Him/Hymn." I spell the name for the host to understand my clever wordplay, then throw out the name of my other favorite Christian metal band: "Burning Bush."

"What is your goal with all this?"

"Pray-er just wants to reach kids with a positive, Christ-centered message."

[Pause]

"Also, it would be wicked to have a No. 1 CD!" I exclaim, explaining how easily mainstream metal bands could change their lyrics to expound a Christian message. As an example, I use Judas Priest's "Breaking the Law."

"The lyrics give off a really negative message (law-breaking). All you have to do is change one aspect and it's a positive message."

To demonstrate, I maniacally screech out in a heavy voice my altered chorus:

I was praying to God!

Praying to God!

Praying to God, again!

Two more times the chorus is repeated. While I'm doing this, the host is making a sort of headbanging motion, in a posed, Christian lady kind of way.

"Do you want to recite some of your original lyrics?" she asks.

"I sure do!"

I pull out a piece of paper and begin reciting, in classic Dio tradition, the genre of metal that's all Dungeons & Dragons-y and full of juvenile, execrable junior high school poetry. It's my original Christian-metal composition, "Crush Satan's Skull!":

And the sin goblins come,

And I smite them down

With the magical saber of Christ.

And he delivers me to salvation,

As we ride together on the back of a beautiful winged horse

Named Malachi.

Capture!

Rapture!

Give your soul to the master!

Smite the evildoers. Smite them. Smite them.

Crush the skull of Satan! Crush it! Crush it!

The host has a fixed smile on her face; she looks mildly confused. I clarify my presentation: "Now picture those lyrics backed by a grinding, headbanging, speed-metal guitar."

"Then, can you even hear the lyrics?" she asks.

I pause. In a perfect Spinal Tap moment of self-realization, I reply, "Um, well, not really. No."

Quickly, I elaborate. Even though audiences don't usually understand the lyrics, I still can use speed metal as my ministry. "I always give a little sermon right after we play "Crush Satan's Skull!"

[Pause]

"It's usually really uplifting."

Rock 'n' Roll the Credits

The host seems to be running out of questions; it's toward the end of a long 27 minutes. I ask her about what led to her own spiritual transformation. She seems momentarily flustered.

"Nothing really bad happened to me. I've been through a divorce," she explains, "but I was never addicted to drugs or abused or anything like that as a kid."

We momentarily grow silent. To keep some momentum in the show, I offer some more original lyrics, written to the tune of AC/DC's "Highway to Hell":

Gay marriage, it's a sin.

After all you have to answer to him.

Prayer in school will do a charm,

The Bible in the classroom could do no harm.

I'm on a highway to Jesus!

I'm on a highway to Jesus!

I'm on a highway to Jesus!

I'm on a highway to Jesus!

On completion, the polite Christian host says with a positive glow, "It sounds like you really turned your life around!"

"Yeah."

[Pause]

"I guess I have."

"We need to keep talking because this is where the credits would roll," she remarks. We both sit in place with fixed smiles, and I'm certain I'll go to hell for this. But that's OK.

Because rock is, and always should be, the devil's music!

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