What Part of "Wait Until Marriage" Don't You Understand!

Infiltrator goes to a teen abstinence educators' conference -- and gets laid!

"My boundary is tea-bagging," I solemnly state to the old woman next to me in a low, raspy voice.

"It's conveying to kids that you can start over, and you are very valuable, and you are important to society," the adviser explains. She looks at tall, lanky guy, chunky gal, and Daddy's little girl. "I don't even want to know your boundary. That's your choice."

According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, teens who take virginity pledges often remain technical virgins by engaging in oral and booty sex. It makes sense: If they're trying to preserve their virginity, oral and anal sex fit under the definition of not having sex.

Which is great because I like those two things way better anyway.

"Can I have the SWAT Team take over again?" asks the mom adviser; the three perky teens jump into place.

"Why do we choose abstinence?" asks chunky blond gal. "Like the 'Pieces of My Heart' skit, I want to give myself to my husband. I don't want to think of another woman there."

(Ewww. That would be icky.)

Tall, lanky guy adopts a pirate voice and explains the three R's -- responsibility, religion, and respect.

Then comes Daddy's little girl. "I got a lot going on in my life," she says, listing off a dozen activities she's involved with, concluding with the varsity golf team. "I feel I have so much going on right now that I don't want to risk getting pregnant or getting an STD. I want to go to college. I want to travel the world. I have trouble getting out of the house in the morning; I can't even imagine having to feed my kid."

She laughs, but there's more. "I have a boyfriend. He's pretty well-known. He's a wrestler. He went to State." She tells everyone that she and her pretty-well-known boyfriend (he went to State) choose abstinence. Hurrah for the annoying, overachieving popular girl who doesn't put out and rubs everyone's nose in the fact!

"That's our choice," she says. "We choose to be abstinent."

(Besides, sex is totally icky!)

"Paul is also on the SWAT Team as well," the mom adviser pipes in, identifying the popular girl's pretty-well-known boyfriend.

"People out there that say teens have raging hormones and can't control themselves -- I can. I'm not running around trying to make out with everyone," says the popular girl (who most likely got a new car for staying a virgin).

The tone dramatically changes. "The other side of this is the broken honor code," states the mom adviser. She makes a sad face. The SWAT Team members look at their shoes. "This young gal broke the honor code. And I said, 'You got to talk to her.'"

So the SWAT Team spoke to the fallen teen about the code she'd followed (To honor my future spouse, I choose to save sexual activity for marriage) and then betrayed by dancing the humpty-hump.

"You can tell she was very, very broken," the popular girl says. "He was pretty proud of breaking her code, so it was all over the school. And we have a big school."

So what happened? Was a scarlet "A" branded upon her chest? Did she receive a good pelting with rocks?! Were condoms provided, in case it happened again?!!

"She wrote a letter to the entire SWAT Team and told them she broke the code and asked forgiveness. She told her parents," the popular girl explains. [Pause] "You know what? She's back on the SWAT Team!!!!"

Holy fucking shit! I let out an audible cheer, pumping my fist in the air. (Still, I have to wonder: Is there a limit to the number of times you're allowed to become a born-again virgin?)

"The parents called up and said, 'Thank you very much. She knows what she did, and she won't go down that road until she's married,'" the leader says with a firm, certain smile.

"You guys are very brave," someone shares. "You're earning respect."

"After you graduate, hit the colleges!" one of the gray-haired ladies says to the three perky kids, who are all high school seniors.

Tall, lanky guy points to a button on his shirt that sports a picture of a dog and the slogan "Pet your dog, NOT your date."

Hey, isn't that bestiality?

"That's the hot item to have right now," injects the mom adviser.

"That's so funny!" someone blurts out.

"How about 'Pet your pussy, NOT your date'?" I ask.

Abstinence Fun Fact!

I don't want kids thinking they'll be protected by condoms, because it won't protect the most important body part of all -- the heart. And isn't that the area of the body most susceptible to raging gonorrhea?

Contraception

I'm one of two guys in yet another sterile conference room full, mostly, of old white ladies from small towns. To further test the sincerity of my born-again virgin pledge, I've decided to hit on some of the attendees at the teen abstinence educators' conference.

I nudge my chair close to the 70-year-old woman next to me; she has a button of George W. and Laura Bush on her purse. (There will be no worries about getting her pregnant.)

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