By Ian S. Port
By Cory Sklar
By Godofredo Vasquez
By Gil Riego Jr.
By Ian S. Port
By Ian S. Port
By Christopher Victorio
By Ian S. Port
Chicago State University
9501 South King Drive
Chicago, IL 60628
August 22, 2010
Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Kanye West. I am writing to inform you of my plans to matriculate at the illustrious Chicago State University. Again. Yes, I'm that guy. The one who talked mad shit about higher education on College Dropout and Late Registration.I understand any reluctance you may have about my application, considering I dropped out of CSU years ago to pursue my hip hop career. But that was then. This is now.
Back in the day, I was one of Time magazine's 100 most influential people. Now I'm lucky to make the "Where Are They Now?" edition of Us Weekly. Back then, I was the right person at the right time. People wanted someone with the intelligence of Common who wasn't so, well, common. A dawg who didn't need 48-karat incisors to have bite.
My first three albums were a trilogy, which was some serious next-level Led Zeppelin-and-Frodo Baggins shit for hip hop. Jaws dropped. Critics had a lip-lock on my jock. People even overlooked the fact that my flow was pedestrian, my albums had more holes than 50 Cent's chest, and my songs featured more guest spots than The Tonight Show. But eventually they got bored and I got sloppy. I was never fully embraced by the streets, and my paranoid rants ultimately chased away suburbia. I was left with nothing.
Now I'm a changed man. Ever since my fifth album (The Fifth-Year Senior) tanked earlier this year, I've had a lot of time to pray and think about my future. I want to return to college and get my diploma, and not just because the Artist Formerly Known as P, D, PD, Ph.D, Diddy, P. Diddy, Puffy, Puff Daddy, etc. won't return my calls. With your help, I can turn my life around. Enclosed you will find materials that I believe show I'm an ideal candidate for resuming studies at CSU.
Love and respect,
Attachment 1:Official Application
Last name:West. First Name: Kanye. M.I.: O.
Birth Date:June 8, 1977.
Gender: Please. Do the words "Magnum" and "in your mouth" mean anything to you?
Marital Status: Single, baby. At least as soon as my divorce from Condi Rice is finalized. I can get down with kinky shit, but that chick was a freak.
Permanent Address:I'm kinda crashing at my mom's place in Skokie right now. But it's just temporary.
Mailing Address:Technically, I don't have one. I had to fake my own death to avoid the creditors. But you can send general-delivery mail to "Eynak Tsew" at the Skokie post office. I tell people I'm a Haitian cabdriver.
Occupation:Former Next Best Thing No. 2,923,457,876. And, if anyone asks, a cabbie from Port-au-Prince.
Day/Evening Phone: 867-5309. Ask for Jenny.
Citizenship:United States, unless President Jeb Bush has anything to say about it. Shit, and I thought his brother didn't care about black people.
Ethnic Origin: Say it loud ....
Military Service:"Jesus Walks" was used in Jarhead, does that count?
Term You Are Applying for Admission:It All Falls Down. Get it? FALLs down? Brilliant.
Intended Major: Undecided. Whatever will help me get my diamond-encrusted Jesus pendant out of hock.
Attachment 2:Personal Essay
Describe a pivotal moment in your life.
First would be the Car Accident back in 2002. Who knew that getting your shit busted in three places would actually help your career? I was already a legit producer, but I was tired of Jay, Talib, and Luda getting all the props when it was my beats signing their royalty checks. I did some mix tapes, but, let's face it, I'm no Jay-Z. It wasn't until I shattered my jaw that people even noticed I could speak. Rapping with my mouth sewn shut on "Through the Wire" was a stroke of genius.
Aside from that, probably the most significant event of the past few years was when I taught a class at CSU as a "stand-in professor" back in September 2005 for some MTV show. It was supposed to be ironic, but that's when I started to realize I wouldn't be bonking rap-video vixens and drinking out of Snoop's jewel-encrusted chalice forever. It didn't help that I was touring with Fantasia from American Idolat the time.
What would you change about your life if you had known then what you know now?
Kick your shoes off and stay a while, this may take a minute. First off, I got too cocky. I stretched myself too thin. Among other things, by the spring of 2006 I was producing, touring, and promoting Late Registration, working on my third album, operating my G.O.O.D. Music record label, and launching my Pastelle Clothing line.
Make no mistake, I had style. My early albums had substance, too, but not nearly enough to keep the U.S.S. Kanye afloat forever. Sure, I had some legitimate tracks on College Dropout and Late Registration -- party joints like "Slow Jamz" and "Gold Digger," adversity anthems like "Through the Wire" and "All Falls Down," smoking social commentaries like "Jesus Walks" and "Diamonds From Sierra Leone" -- but the rest was filler, pure and simple. And it wasn't even my caulk filling most of the holes. Christ, on Late Registration alone I had cameos from Jamie Foxx, Common, Game, Consequence, Cam'ron, Nas, Really Doe, GLC, and Paul Wall. Not to mention (sigh) the dude from Maroon 5. But the fact that I was sugarcoating my own flows with the Hip Hop Yellow Pages didn't turn people off nearly as much as my conspiracy theories.
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