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Jingle bells, the White Stripes smell, Ben Gibbard laid an egg
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By Pissy McGrincherson
Published on December 07, 2005
In honor of Live 105's Not So Silent Night Christmas "spectacular" this Friday, Dec. 9 -- featuring the White Stripes, Death Cab for Cutie, Coheed and Cambria, and others (go to www.bgp.com for more info) -- we present to you these new, soon-to-be-timeless Christmas carols, which we hope you'll enjoy at your next alternarock holiday gathering thingie:
"I Saw Jack White Punching Santa Claus"
Broken bottles and blood all over the place
Meg White wears a funny smile upon her face
The drummer has a secret, she knows what's been done
She wants to tell somebody, so she calls the Smoking Gun ...
I saw Jack White punching Santa Claus
Right behind a Detroit bar last night.
The fat bastard said our albums blow
And called Karen Elson a ho, ho, ho
So Jack knocked all his teeth into the snow.
Then I saw Jack White kicking Santa Claus
'Cause he said our "fake-ass blues" could use some bass.
Santa claimed I can't play for shit
And that we'll never have another hit
So Jack broke his nose and fucked up his whole face.
"Little Emo Boy"
Someone please turn off the TV
A-whiney whine whine
'Cause Death Cab's on The O.C.
A-whiney whine whine
Songs of lovelorn misery
A-whiney whine whine
Ben Gibbard's a big pussy
A-whiney whine whine
Whiney whine whine
Whiney whine whine
Such navel-gazing really wears thin
A-whiney whine whine
Still gets 'em on the cover of Spin
A-whiney whine whine
Don't bum out my Christmas with this pablum
A-whiney whine whine
Never thought I'd prefer the Postal Service album
A-whiney whine whine
Whiney whine whine
Whiney whine whine
"Here Comes Geddy Lee: Through the Eyes of Santa on a Sleigh Ride Through the Chaotic Universe, Volume 19"
Here comes Geddy Lee!
Wait, it's that wannabe
From Coheed and Cambria.
Emo plus prog rock plus a space opera
What the fuck are you guys doing, huh?
His voice is squealing, my synapses are reeling
All is getting on my nerves
If you guys don't stop singing this crap
I'm gonna puke up my hors d'oeuvres.
Here comes Geddy Lee
Please play "YYZ"
Oh, that's not the band you're in.
You're wailing convoluted comic book junk
Much to my chagrin.
Your saga is dumb, it's making me glum
When I should be full of holiday cheer.
You guys should think about breaking up
And becoming a Rush tribute band next year.
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