Band Advice

How to get all the blow jobs and cash you can handle, in eight easy steps

No. 7: Do they fit in with the lineup of the White Stripes, Death Cab for Cutie, Hot Hot Heat, Coheed and Cambria, and Autolux? Oh, you mean, like, do they suck? Ha ha. Just kidding. Seriously, though, you'll notice that Radiohead isn't included here. Does this mean that if your band sounds like Radiohead -- if it apes the U.K. group's gritty atmospherics and moody crooning -- it will be selected? No. Because there's only one Radiohead, so all of you stop trying to sound like Radiohead, for chrissakes. Also, since I know many of you are already having band meetings about it: Do not rip off the Arcade Fire. Coldplay is fair game.

No. 8: Commercial Viability. As Hollywood has known for years, your best bet for commercial viability is a healthy mix of blood and boobs. Ozzy had it right when he sunk his chompers into a bat, but this is a new millennium; adjusting for shock-value inflation, eat dolphins. And as for the ta-tas, you've already got that mousy girl bass player, so instead of buying that new tour van, splurge on a set of double D's for her.

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