Have a Blue Xmas

John Waters comes to town with a bag full of bawdy holiday cheer

And now, in celebration of the famously scrawny filmmaker coming to the Fillmore on Dec. 14 to present "caustic holiday observations in a rapid-fire monologue covering all of his Christmas obsessions," as the press materials put it, we present alternate versions of seasonal classics with John Waters' signature stamp on them. Enjoy.

A Charlie Brown Christmas:After Lucy yanks the football away from Charlie one last time, the lovable blockhead delivers a swift, bludgeoning kick that leaves her comatose. Coming to, she is consumed by an insatiable sex drive, leading to an orgiastic tryst with Pigpen, Franklin, and Snoopy, while Charlie, ever the voyeur, watches silently from a closet. Determined to position himself at the forefront of this unexpected sexual revolution -- and to impress that little red-haired girl -- Charlie then sets out to stage the raunchiest Christmas pageant ever, complete with lubricious elves, gyrating pole dancers, and a reading of "The 12 Days of Christmas" by ex-Congressman "Duke" ('Tis Better to Receive) Cunningham.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer:Life's been rough for Rudolph lately. That glowing nose, brightened by schnapps, has developed an unusually keen sense of smell, making Santa's incontinence all but intolerable. Worse, his relationship with gal pal Clarice has yielded a son with an out-of-control hoof fetish and a daughter who can't seem to keep her nose out of the other deer's hindquarters. What to do? Sell his soul to Hollywood, of course! Ready to cash in on his remarkable tale, Rudolph signs away the rights to his life story (working title: Rudy) only to recoil in horror when he sees the final cut, a soft-core porno starring Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, that Taco Bell Chihuahua, and Val Kilmer.

A Christmas Carol: The venerable Mr. Scrooge is a nasty pedophile with a special yen for little boys on crutches and a habit of slicing up barely legal strippers. A visit from the ghost of Carol Doda, handy with the chains she is, scares him straight for a little while, but he can't resist one more trip to the Crazy Horse, where, never a big tipper, he is abducted, spayed, and subjected to involuntary piercings by a band of vengeful dancers. Emerging from his ordeal, he hides his perversions behind a veneer of piety, gets a talk show, writes a kids' book, and changes his name to O'Reilly.

 
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