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It will be like a kid in an adult candy shop! This is every red-blooded male's dream: being in a room full of porn stars. My mission: infiltrating the FOXE (Fans of X-rated Entertainment) Awards, held at a large nightclub in Los Angeles. This is my duty. This is my calling.
What lies ahead? Will it be a modern-day Roman orgy, with performers re-enacting high (or low) moments from their movies? Will I see actual naked buttocks? Maybe it's just a bunch of nice folks letting their hair down for a fun, down-home night out. Tonight average guys can mingle with the performers they've seen on videos -- only here the viewers won't have their pants down around their ankles.
There'd be little point in attending such an event if one weren't going to be granted full VIP porn perks. It's best to attend by posing as a true porn megastar, rather than as just an average porn-consuming citizen.
That's why when venturing to a gala porn-awards show, do like I did and prepare beforehand by creating the proper persona who will get full props from his porn peers.
Persona: Dieter Leitershvantz -- famous porn star from Germany.
Specialty: Has a "shvantz" shaped like a pretzel.
Movies to his credit: The Naughty Frau, Loaded Lederhosen.
Outfit: Tight polyester trousers with a sock stuffed down the front, open tuxedo shirt, many gold chains, and underneath, tiger-striped bikini briefs (to feel the part deep down inside).
What else?: A business card that says "Dieter Leitershvantz -- famous porn star from Germany."
"Dieter ich here!" I announce on arrival in order to clear a porn welcome path.
I hope there's free food. Perhaps porn d'oeuvres (hot dogs and tacos). And corn (because it rhymes with "porn").
Inside it's a parade of people who need entirely too much attention. Girls in high skirts rub against their companions. Old, sleazy fat guys have young silicon-enhanced creatures dangling on their arms. Most of the audience members are males.
Cameramen surround two vixens named Amber and Scandalous, who caress each other's buttocks while making twisted "throes of passion" faces (could these two women be porn stars?). You can tell the ones in the crowd who aren't porn stars; they have the real breasts.
I strut my stuff. "Dieter loves the naked Fraus!"
"Show me some love," shouts a photographer as two tarts with zeppelinlike structures emitting from their chests lick each other's "meat pillows" at the bar.
The men of porn are slightly ridiculous (but not as ridiculous as Dieter!). They dress like "loin tamers" and magicians. I follow a woman, who's neglected to wear knickers, up a long staircase. Dieter imagines this is what all nightclubs would be like if Nazi Germany had won the war.
A "pornlette" named Midori is scantily clad but carries a Hello Kitty backpack filled with her glossy photos, which she autographs. She also lets picture-takers kiss her fake bosoms.
"Ja! Dieter is your biggest fan!"
Midori is delighted.
"We love you in Germany!"
I'm given a signed photo.
"Dieter has starred in Naughty Fraus Volume 3."
We make a professional connection. I've made a new porn friend! We swap business cards (this is called networking!). Walking away, I admire Midori's picture. It shows her being penetrated in every possible orifice. I'm finding porn starlets to be a very unpretentious bunch. How can they possibly be pretentious, when most people here have seen them with a fist up their bottom?
As disco hits of the '70s play, I pass a chick with a snake around her neck talking to a girthy guy sweating profusely from the forehead.
Amidst all the debauchery is an elderly couple. They're, like, 80 years old. Why are they here? Are they someone's porn parents?! ("We're so proud of our little girl for winning Best Anal Scene!") I need to know more.
"Ja. Are you from Germany?" I ask.
"No, San Diego. We come to the awards every year." The old guy holds my elbow as he talks to me. "We believe in showing our support for the First Amendment right of free speech."
"Aaah. Then you shall one day check out my movie Loaded Lederhosen!"
He contemplates it. "I know this event's for a more younger, wilder crowd, so I hope you don't mind us old people here."
Grandpa still holds my elbow.
"We have a pool. If you ever come down to San Diego, come and visit. We have a pool."
My first VIP porn perk of the evening! Thank God, I'm finally given my elbow back!
The actual awards are the dullest part of the evening, hosted by an MC who looks like an out-of-shape social studies teacher.
"We have an interesting show for you tonight." His microphone is barely audible. "You're going to see professional performances by the people you love!"
The crowd goes apeshit. Then he adds: "They're not just pieces of meat. They're real human beings. If you want to get off, buy their DVD!"
Great! This is going to be a nonnaked porn talent show. With that said, a woman in a Viking helmet and cape comes out and does a choreographed dance to a Van Halen song. Not only is she not a piece of meat, she's also not very talented. And so it is with the next act: A woman wearing practically dental floss does what looks like a weird, snakelike pelvis dance to an AC/DC song.