Our critics weigh in on local theater

Miss-Matches.com: Sex, Lies and Instant Messaging! "I'm barfing out the story — unabridged!" That's how actor and writer Leslie Beam explains it in her one-woman show Miss-Matches.com. This self-declared "queen of cyberland" takes us on a 66-minute journey through a small sampling of more than 300 badly matched Internet dates after the breakup of her 13-year marriage (he was obsessed with football and bong rips; she was consumed with computer-sex chat rooms). Beam gets props for hanging out her dirty laundry: Onstage she brandishes her favorite sex toys (including a 3-foot-long Black & Decker vibrator), shows us dungeon floggings, makes fun of gimp-armed lovers, complains about fat people, and confesses to multiple dates with a convict tattooed with the words "white pride." Any sympathy she generates sours when she lightheartedly reveals her prejudice, recounting her ghastly treatment of an innocent date solely because he was black. She doesn't delve into her discrimination or give it any particular reason or depth; she simply tries for a laugh. Later she turns down another black cybersuitor, responding that she hasn't yet "exhausted the entire pool of eligible white men." In trying to illuminate the human and humorous side of Internet dating, Beam delivers a one-dimensional portrayal of herself and caricatures of her dates, seeming intent on proving that the Web is filled with a disproportionate number of weirdos and psychos. Through July 1 at the Off-Market Theater, 965 Mission (at Fifth St.), S.F. Tickets are $15-20; call 820-1454 or visit www.miss-matches.com. (Nathaniel Eaton) Reviewed March 1.

Also Playing

2 Pianos, 4 Hands San Jose Repertory Theatre, 101 Paseo de San Antonio (at South Third St.), San Jose, 408-367-7255.

Baroque Carnival Zellerbach Hall, Bancroft & Telegraph (UC Berkeley campus), Berkeley, 510-642-9988.

BATS: Sunday Players Fort Mason, Bldg. B, Marina & Buchanan, 474-6776.

Battle-of-the-Bay Theatresports Tournament Bayfront Theater, Fort Mason, Bldg. B (Marina & Buchanan), 474-8935.

Beach Blanket Babylon Club Fugazi, 678 Green (at Powell), 421-4222.

Beyond Therapy Shelton Theater, 533 Sutter (at Powell), 433-1226.

Big City Improv Shelton Theater, 533 Sutter (at Powell), 433-1226.

Campo Santo 10th Anniversary Intersection for the Arts, 446 Valencia (at 15th St.), 626-2787.

Chemical Imbalance Exit Theatre, 156 Eddy (at Taylor), 673-3847.

D*Face New Conservatory Theatre Center, 25 Van Ness (at Market), 861-8972.

The Fabulous Adventures of Captain Queer New Conservatory Theatre Center, 25 Van Ness (at Market), 861-8972.

GayProv Off-Market Studio, 965 Mission (at Fifth St.), 896-6477.

Happy End Geary Theater, 415 Geary (at Mason), 749-2228.

Hunter Gatherers The Thick House, 1695 18th St. (at Arkansas), 587-4465.

"Intrigue in the Mansion: Murder Mystery Dinner" The Archbishop's Mansion, 1000 Fulton (at Steiner), 563-7872.

Joan of Arc War Memorial Opera House, 301 Van Ness (at Grove), 864-3330.

Killer Joe Magic Theatre, Fort Mason, Bldg. D, Marina & Buchanan, 441-8822.

Like a Dog on Linoleum Lorraine Hansberry Theatre, 620 Sutter (at Mason), 474-8800.

Love, Chaos & Dinner Pier 29, Embarcadero (at Battery), 273-1620.

Madama Butterfly War Memorial Opera House, 301 Van Ness (at Grove), 864-3330.

Marriage of Figaro War Memorial Opera House, 301 Van Ness (at Grove), 864-3330.

The Marsh Festival of New Voices The Marsh, 1062 Valencia (at 22nd St.), 826-5750.

Menopause the Musical Theatre 39 at Pier 39, 2 Beach (Beach & Embarcadero), 433-3939.

The Miser Berkeley Repertory's Thrust Stage, 2025 Addison (at Shattuck), Berkeley, 510-647-2949.

Monday Night Improv Jam Off-Market Theater, 965 Mission (at Fifth St.), 368-9909.

Monday Night Make Em Ups San Francisco Comedy College, 414 Mason, #705 (at Geary), 921-2051.

Monday Night Marsh The Marsh, 1062 Valencia (at 22nd St.), 826-5750.

Mort Sahl's America Empire Plush Room, York Hotel, 940 Sutter (at Hyde), 885-2800.

The Glass Menagerie Berkeley Repertory's Thrust Stage, 2025 Addison (at Shattuck), Berkeley, 510-647-2949.

This Is Not a Test Shelton Theater, 533 Sutter (at Powell), 433-1226.

Valhalla New Conservatory Theatre Center, 25 Van Ness (at Market), 861-8972.

"Viva Variety" Buriel Clay Theater, 762 Fulton (at Webster), for more information call 863-0741.

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