Jesus I'm horny. Alas, none of the Italian men seemed interested in anything other than passing around a gildedly phallic World Cup trophy and slapping each other on the buns. Everyone was loaded.

"Stasera leone, domani coglioni," said Audra, quoting her late grandmother. It means, roughly, "Today we party and tomorrow we feel like shit." As for me, I prefer the old Butthole Surfers maxim, "It is better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't done."

Mark my words, next week I will report on doing someone regrettable. My goal post is officially open wide, fellas, and prime for shooting. In the meantime, at least I can say that I honestly enjoyed a sporting event for the first time in my life, and there weren't even any garlic fries involved.

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