Family Values

Though some gluttons for punishment might have spent this past Saturday studying their 300-lb. voter information guide, about 250 parents instead dragged their kids to Pipsqueak-A-Go-Go, a dance party for families held at the Rickshaw Stop. If this event sounds familiar, that may be because earlier this year San Francisco became home to a similar party, the sold-out-for-months Baby Loves Disco, held at Ruby Skye. That's right: dueling baby dance parties. What has the city come to?

Maybe it's come to embrace what our biggest fan, right-wing TV "commentator" Bill O'Reilly, calls "San Francisco values" — all those unspiritual public affairs at which we scorn religion. Surely the fact that the city hosts two parties at which gay families mix with straight ones, heathens mix with good religious folk, and everyone listens to the devil's music is a sign of the end times.

Even worse, Pipsqueak-A-Go-Go is hosted by no less than (wait for it) the Devil-Ettes! That's right, those advocates of evil-doing — otherwise known as S.F.'s favorite '60s-style go-go troupe — pulled together this day of debauchery. Was there a baby-friendly pot club with teeny-tiny spliffs in a back room? Did the event encourage parents to coddle terrorists as well as their children? Did everyone try a hand at selecting "raise taxes" on an electronic voting machine?

Sucka Free City couldn't attend, but we've heard that all kinds of sick, sick things happened.

For example, there were go-go lessons. Yes, small children learning to Twist, Frug, Hully Gully, Swim, you name it, prancing around suggestively to music that couldn't be further from "Nearer, My God, to Thee." Leftist propaganda (aka vintage cartoons) screening on the walls. Someone with the un-Christian name DJ Brother Grimm providing the tunes. An all-dad band — promoting the homosexual agenda? — called the Time Outs. And the dancers even recruiting girls to, as co-organizer Baby Doe von Stroheim put it, "egg on the other kids." So they support go-go recruiting, but not military recruiting? That's so Pelosi.

Fortunately, the next Pipsqueak-A-Go-Go won't happen until March 2007, so there's ample time to steel ourselves against further leftist incursions. Sadly, Baby Loves Disco hosts its next event on Nov. 18. Do you know where your children are?