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End of an Era 

As The Apologist takes a bow and asks its final questions, it's time to turn the spotlight on ourselves

Wednesday, Jan 31 2007
All good things, as they say, must come to an end. And this week marks the final installment of The Apologist, the satirical current events quiz in SF Weekly that poked sardonic fun at San Francisco's issues and newsmakers. For the past two and a half years, The Apologist has appeared every other week in the venerable pages of the SF Weekly, lampooning the city's villains — Barry Bonds, the San Francisco Unified School District, committers of homicide — as well as some more esoteric topics: the Metreon, Chris Daly, and the guy who wants to tell us in great detail about the parrots on Telegraph Hill. With so many more possible targets begging for the white-hot glare of The Apologist (Gary Radnich and Joanna Newsom, we're talking to you — hopefully for the last time in the same sentence), you might ask why it's time to call it quits. Well, forget that. Instead, we'd like to thank you for reading, hope that it made you chuckle, and thank again the folks who took the time to write in with appreciation or criticism. And, of course, we'd like to ask the one question that dares not go unanswered: Are you an apologist for The Apologist? Take our quiz and find out!

1) Although The Apologist has legions of fans, its sarcastic and often-times cynical viewpoint toward modern San Francisco life and politics also garnered plenty of detractors. What was your least favorite aspect of The Apologist?

A) The answers were totally predetermined beforehand, so the quiz is completely biased and doesn't actually seek my true opinion on the issue. Also, I'm one of those people who has trouble filling out forms.

B) There were still 70-some pages between The Apologist and the sex ads.

C) It only ran every other week! (Bonus point for adding: "And the logo makes a terrible lower-back tattoo.")

2) Which of the following errors from the most recent Apologist, criticizing Giants General Manager Brian Sabean, do you find the most egregious?

A) The Giants blew the World Series in 2002, not 2003.

B) It's Mark Sweeney who's the amazing teammate, not Mike Sweeney.

C) Barry Zito is represented by Scott Boras. Barry Bonds is represented by Jeff Borris. Confusing!

3) Some would say that San Francisco is a city that finds it hard to laugh at itself, or perhaps takes itself a tad too seriously. What, in your mind, is the most unfair criticism leveled at Baghdad by the Bay?

A) That it's hard to park here. I'm sure it's hard to park in Heaven, too.

B) That we don't have a literary scene. Hello? Litquake! Rumble, rumble, rumble.

C) That we're all a bunch of morally bankrupt trannies ... when we're really just a bunch of bankrupt trannies.

4) With The Apologist gone, many San Franciscans will be struggling to find a media outlet to deliver the news they need. As you survey the media landscape in the Bay Area, what do you count as your most trusted source of news?

A) At this point, I'd take a town crier that could at least spell correctly.

B) The San Francisco Chronicle. Because my personal religion requires that my eyes shed tears of blood at least once a morning. (Bonus point for adding: "Debra Saunders does it for me every time.")

C) KRON. And by "news," I mean, "televised train wreck."

5) Politicians, sports figures, controversial legislation, and contraptions that make energy out of dog poop have all been the subject of The Apologist's ire. Which target of The Apologist do you find the most deserving of scorn?

A) The Apologist. Sorry. You asked.

B) Winter.

C) I'd say it's a tie: either the Santa Clara 49ers or the Fremont A's of San Jose.

6) As the local media market continues to fight the influence of the World Wide Web and the effects of a shrinking industry, alternative media sources find themselves in an ever-more competitive market. What, to you, is the major difference in quality between the two leading alternative weeklies in town, the SF Weekly and the San Francisco Bay Guardian?

A) My parrot doesn't seem to like the Guardian as much. OK, that's not true. He loves Annalee Newitz.

B) Wait. Those are two different papers?

C) Matt Smith.

7) With publishing space a premium in today's tough print journalism industry, what, in your mind, would be the best replacement for The Apologist?

A) A blank page.

B) The return of our series on the gray whales. The people have spoken!

C) A recurring feature called "Best of The Apologist."

How to score:

Score zero points for every "A" answer, one point for every "B," and two points for every "C."

0-6 points: Hated it, huh? Well, that's what they said about the Mona Lisa, too.

7-10 points: On the fence about the ol' Apologist? As long as you're not aiming through our window, that's just fine.

11-14 points: Congratulations! You're a true apologist for The Apologist. And no, there isn't a Mrs. Palmquist. Thanks for reading!

About The Author

Matt Palmquist


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