The First Step

So Gavin Newsom is in rehab. And not just any rehab, but Delancey Street, a tough-love recovery program for hard-core homeless junkies and ex-cons. We were curious how the millionaire mayor would mix with this crowd of semi-reformed ruffians. Fortunately, we had a mole in the program who was there for Gav's first day in group therapy when the mayor told his tale of woe. Unfortunately, our mole is a totally unreliable tweaker (and perhaps a pathological liar). So, with that disclaimer, what follows is a veerrrry rough transcript of Gavin's testimonial that day.

Kyle Webster

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• John Burton
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Hi, I'm Gavin, and, according to my political advisers, I'm an alcoholic. For those of you who asked me for spare change before the meeting, I'd like to direct you to our Care Not Cash program, which is doing fantastic things, just fantastic.

First, I want to make it clear that everything you've heard and read is true and I'm deeply sorry for that. Yes, white wine was my drug of choice. I know, that might not sound so bad to all of you people in this room, but let me tell you, I sunk to embarrassing depths. In the beginning, it was bottles of Pinot Gris or Viognier. In the end, I'd suck down a white zinfandel, didn't matter.

To be honest, I've been loaded most of my first term. I did some things I can't even remember. Heard I even made a pass at Heather Fong once. And you all know about the gay marriage thing, right? Yeah, well, my staff tells me one day I came back to the office after a long lunch, red-faced, shouting, "Let's marry us some gays!" I really have no recollection of it. But the testament of a truly great idea, a wise man once said, is that it will outlast the hangover. I think John Burton told me that.

Eventually, I stopped caring about my appearance, just like you people. See this Italian suit I'm wearing? Not even tailored, off the rack.

Well. Mimi says I need to focus on the positive, that's Step One. So I'm not going to talk about the 49ers, or the homicide rate, or Dan Noyes. I'm looking toward the future, andI can see that a life of sobriety won't be all that bad. Hell, it'll give me a great excuse to date more girls below the drinking age. Thank you for listening.

Wait — why are some of you wearing chicken suits?