Purple Prose

As I type this, I am wearing only purple latex gloves and a diaper. I do so in honor of my new literary hero, Han Shin. You might know him better as Gavin Newsom's smitten stalker. Y'know, the guy who thinks purple is divine and who showed the doorman at the mayor's apartment building a picture of Gav standing next to "an Asian man wearing only a diaper," according to Newsom's restraining order. (We suspect that the Asian man in the diaper was Shin, although, to be fair, it could also have been an amorous off-duty astronaut.)

Anyway, you may not know that Shin isn't just a stalker, he's also an author. His book is available on Amazon and has been printed and reprinted with slight title variations (Beauty With a Cause, Beauty With a Purpose). The 2005 edition is dedicated to his parents, his high school principal, supermodel Marcus Schenkenberg, pop star Ricky Martin and, of course, to Newsom, who Shin writes, "has inspired me to use my life as a "Beauty With A Cause.'"

The novel tells the story of Rosario Diaz, a Filipina-American who decides to make the world a better place for kids by becoming a beauty queen. The book unfortunately doesn't shed light on Shin's obsession with the color purple, but it is filled with purple prose, odd similes, goofy metaphors, grammatical errors, and unintended humor. Here are some examples:

· "He towered over six-foot-seven inches with the muscles from Brussels of Jean-Claude Van Damme, and the romantic charm of Richard Gere in the movie, Pretty Woman, rolled up into one dark, sweet package like a Milky Way chocolate bar."

· "They would live a fairy tale story for all eternity like a Calvin Klein perfume."

· "In San Francisco, they rode on the cable cars that tasted great like Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat."

· "Rosario felt alive like a salad after her good night's sleep."

· "Pat further threatened as he left the bathroom, zipping his pant and putting away his weapon of mass destruction."

· "Rosario was relieved like a laxative to finally reach her house as the clock rang midnight."

· "In the Phillipines, it was well known that if you want anything to succeed you either held a cockfight or a beauty contest."

Hmmm, the same could be said for San Francisco politics, right Mr. Mayor?