Rehab Is for Quitters

Don't hold your breath for tortured torch singer Amy Winehouse to go to rehab. It's kinda like hoping for Sanjaya Malakar to get voted off of American Idol; folks, it ain't gonna happen any time soon.

Mike Gorman

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It's been said that rehab works for those who work for it (and we're not talking about Page Sixmentions). But there's still hope for some of our ailing music icons:

In Need of Rehab: John Mayer

Diagnosis: The guy is infected with Pompous blogitis, or the tendency to believe one's Web site is the center of all intellectual activity. We love the sound of your voice, buddy, but not in the written form — where you give your earth-shattering theories such names as "Mind Fingering," the "Say Say Say Effect," and "Dramastic Change."

Recommended Treatment: One day of Web celeb training with Perez Hilton (proprietor of "Fuck Rehab" T-shirts), who, as a bonus, will illuminate the finer points of scrawling cartoon penises on paparazzi photos. Hey, at least the "gossip gangstarr" knows how to crawl up other people's asses.

In Need of Rehab: Don Bolles

Diagnosis: The former Germs drummer (and ex-heroin addict) was recently popped in Orange County for what police claimed was the illegal drug GHB hidden in a bottle of Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap. Bolles says it was just scrubbin' bubbles, and besides, officer, he was on his way to an AA meeting.

Recommended Treatment: Be a real punk and quit cleaning products cold turkey; cops love strip-searching stinkin' anarchists.

In Need of Rehab: LL Cool J

Diagnosis: Lip-licking cancer of orange-looking jaundice — or LLCOOLJ, for short. Longtime fans will note that LL has maintained this annoying tic — the obsessive and insatiable urge to keep his smacker constantly moistened — the entire time he's been in the public eye.

Recommended Treatment: 30 days of having his mouth assaulted with paper cuts from the pages of his recent ab-rehab tome, LL Cool J's Platinum Workout (note: using only chapters concerning the "Bronze," "Silver," and "Diamond" level physiques).

In Need of Rehab: Foxy Brown

Diagnosis: The briefly deaf rapper has anger management issues, allegedly beating up manicurists and beauty supply store employees. Clearly, she's not feeling pretty.

Recommended Treatment: 60 days of hands-on cosmetology and sanitation removal training with the demure Naomi Campbell.

In Need of Rehab: Avril Lavigne

Diagnosis: Couth-deficient, as exemplified by her spitting at paparazzi; bagging on other young pop tarts in interviews; lack of vocal talent.

Recommended Treatment: 90 days of recording sessions with Miss Manners, who will teach Lavigne to stop the gob and to cease using her voice to inflict pain on this fragile world, where ears are like eggshells.

In Need of Rehab: Too Short

Diagnosis: The rapper famous for rhyming about pimping is a featured victim on the new season of MTV's prank show Punk'd. He lets bikini-clad women (who he is later tricked into believing are underage) wash his car. The man has a problem with autoeroticism — he doesn't love his car enough to keep it clean.

Treatment: One year of detailing vehicles with Foxy's cuticle brush at a hand car wash.

In Need of Rehab: Tommy Stinson

Diagnosis: Guns N' Roses recently postponed Japanese tour dates after bassist Stinson damaged the ligaments in his hand during a tumble down a flight of stairs. We recall he also took a little spill while on stage performing with GN'R at the Warfield last summer, and probably "fell down a lot" during his years in the Replacements. The man obviously struggles with the b-word: balance.

Treatment: 18 months of gravity-fighting meetings, to be followed by two-hour sessions of balance bar work — at the gym, mind you, not the place with the cocktail onions.