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Brooklynne Michelle has some regrets about having watched The Matrix. She says it's one of the worst movie-viewing choices a bipolar person like herself could ever make.

While riding BART one night, Michelle suddenly noticed that all the ads in the car were exactly the same — two unbroken, repeating rows of Tommy Hilfiger pimpage. In the sci-fi film, life as we think we know it is revealed to be a farce — a computer-generated program that humans watch subconsciously while robots sap our sleeping brains and bodies for power. In a literal manic state, she decided the ad pattern was no accident. It was a glitch in the program, proof of the existence of the enemy.

"At the point when I thought maybe I should jump in front of the train and kill myself so I could fight against the matrix," Michelle says, "that was when I was like, 'I need to go to the hospital.'"

It was three years ago when she took the 9 bus to San Francisco General, where she told a clerk what was going on in her mind. Her attempt to get admitted is called a 5150, after the "danger to self or others" police code. They put her in a room with a doctor and she had to explain why she wanted to stay overnight. She remembers it being a hard sell, since she hadn't yet done anything self-mutilating."I finally said, 'Look, if I don't get in here, there's a good chance I'll walk out the door and right in front of the bus.'"

A psychiatrist admitted her and prescribed a sleeping pill, which she took. In the morning she felt calmer, and a psychiatric intern signed for her release. As had happened on the couple of other occasions when she 5150-ed herself, the staff gave her a list of referrals to clinics and information about psychiatric medications.

She tossed both in the trash. Instead she called friends to spend time with for support.

The whole episode might not have happened if she'd still been on medication, but that's a risk she'd come to terms with two years before when she stopped taking lithium and moved to San Francisco from her native Michigan.

Mental health is an enormous issue in San Francisco. Last year, the city's Community Behavioral Health Services office saw more than 24,000 people and a significant majority walked away with a prescription. That number doesn't include those in treatment through private insurance.

For many people with severe mental health diagnoses like manic depression or schizophrenia, taking medication is a key aspect of daily life. Michelle's decision to live without it, was and is, a radical one.

But there's a long history around the world of individual and organized resistance to mental health pharmaceuticals. In the U.S. it's always been something of a fringe movement, and remains an object of scorn for many psychiatrists. It's centered primarily in politically liberal regions, and often led by people who have had negative experiences with the mental health system. The infamous involvement of Tom Cruise and other celebrities has familiarized the masses with the Church of Scientology's work in this area, but much of the movement is unaffiliated with the L. Ron Hubbard group. Two prominent points of activism are MindFreedom International in Eugene, Ore., and Freedom Center in Northampton, Mass. Nationally, there has been a scattering of more localized med-free experiments — houses, clinics, support groups, community centers, advocacy networks — that have had varying degrees of luck surviving.

Support for alternative lifestyles is famous here, but it's still tough to promote the idea that it might be acceptable — preferable, even — for some severely mentally distressed folks to just say no to drugs. Michelle's trying, so she knows. And she's not the only one.

In a studio at San Francisco's Quake Radio, Alexander Bingham and nutrition coach Jon Sarlin are hosting the Saturday afternoon Organic Psychology Hour. Sarlin talks about the benefits of healthy eating, and then Bingham — a licensed clinical psychologist — talks about prescription drugs.

Bingham is bright-eyed and his curly dark-blond hair is pulled back into a short ponytail. His torso inclines intently toward the microphone as he vehemently likens psychiatric drugs to pesticides.

"They're very toxic, very dangerous to the body," Bingham says. "If there is a healthier way to achieve emotional balance and growth, wouldn't you want to do that?"

Bingham, 39, is heir to a paper company fortune. He says he's grateful for the "intelligence and rapaciousness" of his progenitors — it's given him the freedom to build his own life, even on ideas they might detest. During a severe depression in high school, Bingham discovered the Ram Dass book Be Here Now. Its eastern concept of human interconnectedness appealed to him much more than the rugged-individualistic, hard-work-and-money-equals-success notions he'd been raised with. In college he discovered an affinity for counseling friends in distress, and he took these dual interests and began building a career in psychology.

During his graduate internships here at the California Institute of Integral Studies, Bingham became convinced that psychotropic drugs were doing his patients more harm than good. Voicing this idea, and trying to convince his supervisors to reduce patients' drug loads, got him fired a couple of times. He called Fresno-based psychologist Kevin McCready, who had been running a med-free mental health clinic there since 1990.

"We worked with some incredibly damaged people there," Bingham says. "It helped me see that once you separate out the meds from the distress, only then can you really see what's going on with people. It gave me a really positive perspective on healing and a belief that with the right support, people didn't need the medications."

Write Your Comment show comments (15)

  1. It's a shame that you feel the need to romanticize someone like Brooklynne Michelle without knowing the entire story. It is a very easy excuse to blame bad behavior on a hypomanic episode. The truth is that Brooklynne Michelle has stolen from several individuals and former workplaces, and she constantly finds herself picking up the pieces and attempting (unsuccessfully) to mend the bridges that she has burned, all the while, using mania as an excuse. I think your story idea is honorable, but you might have found a better and more reliable, honest subject.

    Respectfully yours,

    Another one who was f*cked over by Ms. Michelle

    Comment by Please Spare Me — May 23, 2007 @ 05:47PM

  2. I wish as a woman who has struggled with bipolar for over 18 years that more perspectives
    were included in this article. I would have like to hear directly from individuals who have chosen the medication route, to counterbalance the perspective Ms. Michelle brings to the table. I, for one, have tried all roads, and must admit, could not conceivably see myself surviving without medication. Bipolar is a physical illness which requires the balancing of chemicals. There are some people who can do this without medications, or be trained to, but having tried it and can say that it was next to impossible to be a good friend, co-worker, or creative during periods of imbalance. I would also add that in the days of disappearing mental health services, it is critical that each and every one of us form our own mental health support network, including friends, family, and mental health professionals. We can not rely on our communities to provide this for us, and organizations such as Icarus are paving the way to providing the kind of outreach needed to begin this kind of organizing. Thanks for listening! BipolarGrrl

    Comment by BipolarGrrl — May 24, 2007 @ 03:48PM

  3. I find it very disconcerting that Amy Goldwitz fails to mention that Brooklynne Michelle is a mtf transexual. Perhaps she thought it was obvious from the photograph; nonetheless for B.M. to claim that she is not on medication, when in fact she is taking a high dose of estrogen hormone therapy, is a bold-faced lie.
    Furthermore it puts B.M. in a completely different category than a bipolar individual or someone with borderline personality disorder or schizophrenia choosing to not take psychotopics.

    I have many friends who are bi-polar and agree that due to each person's unique metabolism, not all meds work for all people. I do know however that most of my bi-polar friends prefer to work with their health care providers to take medication, herbs, and therapy to avoid the horrible depression that they otherwise deal with on a regular basis.
    One friend, who had seasonal bi-polar disorder, would literally hibernate all winter, not eating, barely drinking water, hardly urinating, not bathing, no human contact unless it was forced, basically near death due to her illness. The other six months were filled with the brevity of normalcy followed by manic behavior that progressively increased until she was in a horrible frenzy worse than any speed freak or crack addict I have ever encountered.
    Still she chose to deny she was bi-polar, refused medication and eventually died.

    Comment by sad but true — May 24, 2007 @ 04:53PM

  4. Psych meds not only affect a person’s chemistry, psych meds affect how the body functions. Conditions such as diabetes and tardive dyskinesia and tardive dystonia are known to be caused by these psych meds. The longer a person stays on these psych meds, the more at risk they are of a serious physical illness. Without a healthy body, how can the mind be truly healthy?

    Comment by acorn — May 25, 2007 @ 07:44PM

  5. There are too many places where people can go to get help to stay on these psych meds. There are very few places where people can go to learn how to adjust to life without these psych meds. Without help and support, these people usually fail. These failed attempts are viewed by society as the person needing these drugs in order to stay healthy.
    Society has virtually made it impossible for these people to succeed. Society does not see how by offering no support, no help, nothing in the way of alternatives to psych meds, society dooms people trying to come off these psych meds to failure.
    People need to have places to go where they can find support and shown alternatives to pysch meds.
    Medications are not the only choice, there are many other ways to deal with problems. Exercise is a natural alternative to psych meds. Improving diet and nutrition does alter a person's chemistry. A person should be well informed before consenting to starting psych meds but most of the time no alternatives but psych meds are given to a person.
    I wonder how many people out there have just tried and not made a better diet and keep to an exercise program part of their lives? It takes a great deal of effort to meditate or go out for a walk when feeling bad. It is so much easier to get a glass of water, swallow a pill and wait for the pill to take effect. It’s up to each individual person what they want to do, swallow a pill or change the way they live.

    Comment by acorn — May 25, 2007 @ 08:12PM

  6. Sad but True Said:"I find it very disconcerting that Amy Goldwitz fails to mention that Brooklynne Michelle is a mtf transexual. Perhaps she thought it was obvious from the photograph; nonetheless for B.M. to claim that she is not on medication, when in fact she is taking a high dose of estrogen hormone therapy, is a bold-faced lie.
    Furthermore it puts B.M. in a completely different category than a bipolar individual or someone with borderline personality disorder or schizophrenia choosing to not take psychotopics."

    Despite Brooklynne Michelle being Transgendered, your reacting on assumtion that she is on Horomonal Therapy, and how does that change the fact that she is a Bipolar person who has chosen not to take medication?? How is she in a different catagory than a bipolar person who has chosen not to take medication when she is infact A BIPOLAR PERSON WHO HAS CHOSEN NOT TO TAKE MEDICATION?"

    I applaud Miss Michelle, and everyone else in the article for being bold enough to express herself on this matter and to be couragous enought to take a stand and say "this isnt working for me" and do something about it.

    Comment by BiByeBabe — May 26, 2007 @ 01:23AM

  7. There are so many places for people to go to who want to adjust to a life on psych meds. The one place in San Francisco where people can go if they chose to life a life psych med free is closing due to lack of funds. Let's focus on the real problem, getting Alex Bingham funding so he can reopen Full Spectrum.

    Comment by acorn — May 26, 2007 @ 06:13AM

  8. I wish I had somewhere like that to go in Seattle to support me getting off meds. Seems like everytime I mention getting off meds to my psychiatrist they want to put me on more, like I'm more crazy for even thinking that. I've been involved with the Icarus Project through the internet for quite some time although lacking in participation lately and I have to say they have been the most supportive people I've ever met in my life regarding mental health issues. Way more supportive than my family or any doctor or clinician I've ever met. Viva la Icarus Project.

    Comment by rockergrrrl — May 27, 2007 @ 12:06AM

  9. Congratulations to writer Amy Goldwitz and San Francisco Weekly for covering the "other side of the story" about choosing psychiatric drugs. Often the media features a celebrity who has felt helped by psychiatric drugs, but those who choose and use totally non-drug approaches are not covered.

    This is my 31st year as a human rights activist in the field of mental health. I respect all individuals including those who choose to take prescribed psychiatric drugs. I think that "pro-choice" perspective is clear in many of those spotlighted in this article, including those personally critical of psychiatric drugging.

    I notice in several comments that some people feel that those who felt benefited by psychiatric drugs ought to have been covered. However, there is already plenty of media coverage about individuals who take prescribed psychiatric drugs, and feel benefited. I have seen dozens of such articles, often featuring well-known actors and actresses.

    Isn't it okay to spotlight those who choose non-drug alternatives?

    I am reading a book on the history of psychiatry called "Masters of Bedlam." It's fascinating to me the role that the "medical model" played in the 1800's when "mad doctors" who ran big institutions were consolidating their power. The choice of the medical model was about POWER, not science (after all the ruling medical ideology at the time was phrenology, studying bumps on the head). A medical model was the most efficient way for a group of doctors to exercise authority. Don't get me wrong, there may be some benefits to authority.

    But the fact is, the jury is out about what is 'the cause' of extreme mental and emotional problems and differences. Too often those in the mental health industry claim to the public -- and the public believes them -- that we now know the cause, and psychiatric drugs 'fix a chemical imbalance.' Well, science has not found that chemical imbalance... but our social change movement, which got one of its starts in the Bay Area in the early 1970's, has found a POWER imbalance, an immense power imbalance, between those given psychiatric labels and the general population.

    I'll end by noting that my favorite 'mental health' movie is actually Al Gore's Inconveinent Truth. Because, folks, that movie shows that the scientific jury is back... the data is in... the numbers have been crunched, and what is called NORMAL is actually destroying the very ecological fabric of our solitary fragile planet. Kind of an overrwhelming thought, right? So maybe those considered 'normal' ought to take notes at the knees of those surviving and thriving and recovering after a psychiatric diagnosis... because those called 'normal' will need every resource possible when their heart, mind, body and soul really "get it," that if anyone is "mad" we ALL are mad.

    Thanks for listening. by David Oaks, Director of MindFreedom International (and thanks for mentioning us in the article). Our web site is http://www.mindfreedom.org

    Comment by David W. Oaks — June 22, 2007 @ 10:54AM

  10. One person quoted in the story claimed that there is no evidence that psychological therapy can help people prevent relapse & stay out of the hospital. This is simply untrue. If you are interested in reading more about such a method, I suggest looking at the book "Staying well after psychosis: A cognitive interpersonal approach to recovery and relapse prevention."

    Comment by Ron Unger LCSW — June 22, 2007 @ 05:53PM

  11. Response to BiByeBabe's comment:

    "Despite Brooklynne Michelle being Transgendered, your reacting on assumtion that she is on Horomonal Therapy, and how does that change the fact that she is a Bipolar person who has chosen not to take medication?? How is she in a different catagory than a bipolar person who has chosen not to take medication when she is infact A BIPOLAR PERSON WHO HAS CHOSEN NOT TO TAKE MEDICATION?"

    First of all, I am not acting on the assumption that B.M. is on hormonal therapy -- it is a well known fact in the SF LGBT community.
    Furthermore both eastern and western medicine statistics prove that hormones effect a person's body chemistry.
    Just google pms symptoms and you will find: moody- depression, weepy, overly sensitive, Irritable- quick to anger, outbursts, impulsive, etc.
    I am not denying that B.M. is bipolar, I am merely stating the obvious, which, the author failed to do.

    Comment by sad but true — July 19, 2007 @ 06:09PM

  12. Michelle obviously doesn't have a severe form of bipolar, not Bipolar I disorder for sure. It is true that many people with bipolar II, a less severe form of the disorder, can function relatively normally in the world. Most people with severe forms of bipolar are dependent on these drugs if they want to live--yes live. This story is lopsided and uses a very poor subject, merely anetdoctal evidence, that a person can live without medications. Honestly, for me, medication is the reason why I am alive. Without it, the illness, which has biological origins, would take over every aspect of my life. This story doesn't represent the experience of those with severe mental illnesses. Try again.

    Comment by Jim — September 15, 2007 @ 03:23PM

  13. Jim,
    I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar, and schizoaffective disorder. I have taken various neuroleptics including all the atypicals. I have also taken many other psych meds. When the holidays are over I will start a slow taper off the one remaining psych med I am presently taking. February 2008 I will celebrate one year of working two jobs.
    My story is not that uncommon. People who have been told they have serious mental illnesses and have taken various meds now live med free.

    Comment by acorn — November 11, 2007 @ 10:03PM

  14. i wish there really were some way i could quit taking my meds. aside from the fact that medicine is expensive and that i don't appreciate some of the side effects, it is really hard to accept the fact that i HAVE to take these pills every day for the rest of my life, or else i'll go insane. and i've only been struggling with it for a little over six years. is it supposed to get easier or something? i am a newlywed, and the thought just crossed my mind that oh my god, what if i get pregnant? i'll have to stop taking my meds and be institutionalized during the pregnancy. it honestly is a daily struggle. feeling like your body depends on something that you don't want it to. i know that in itself is a mental strain and serious issue. its not that i don't want to live a normal life, i just don't want to take medication for the rest of it. it is so frustrating. and if often severely depresses me. and when i tell the doctor that, he raises the doses of my medications. and the medication management of a bipolar person is such an awful cycle. let's say i get depressed. not only are they going to increase my anti-depressant, but also my mood stabilizer, so that i won't get manic. let's say i'm manic. they decrease my anti-depressant, increase my mood stabilizer and prescribe me an antipsychotic. let's say that antipsychotic makes my muscles seize up (which often happens), so they prescribe me a muscle relaxer. okay well let's say they prescribe a different antipsychotic. only this one is an anti-convulsant medication which interferes with my birth control. there is so much involved that it literally makes my head spin. and when i am in a state where i actually NEED that much medication, i don't have the capacity to research everything and interactions happen. the psychiatrist can't be your primary physician, nor can your primary physician be your psychiatrist. its just such a hassle i don't even want to think about it anymore. i am SO SICK OF MEDICATION. i HATE it.

    Comment by amc — November 25, 2007 @ 03:27PM

  15. i wish there really were some way i could quit taking my meds. aside from the fact that medicine is expensive and that i don't appreciate some of the side effects, it is really hard to accept the fact that i HAVE to take these pills every day for the rest of my life, or else i'll go insane. and i've only been struggling with it for a little over six years. is it supposed to get easier or something? i am a newlywed, and the thought just crossed my mind that oh my god, what if i get pregnant? i'll have to stop taking my meds and be institutionalized during the pregnancy. it honestly is a daily struggle. feeling like your body depends on something that you don't want it to. i know that in itself is a mental strain and serious issue. its not that i don't want to live a normal life, i just don't want to take medication for the rest of it. it is so frustrating. and if often severely depresses me. and when i tell the doctor that, he raises the doses of my medications. and the medication management of a bipolar person is such an awful cycle. let's say i get depressed. not only are they going to increase my anti-depressant, but also my mood stabilizer, so that i won't get manic. let's say i'm manic. they decrease my anti-depressant, increase my mood stabilizer and prescribe me an antipsychotic. let's say that antipsychotic makes my muscles seize up (which often happens), so they prescribe me a muscle relaxer. okay well let's say they prescribe a different antipsychotic. only this one is an anti-convulsant medication which interferes with my birth control. there is so much involved that it literally makes my head spin. and when i am in a state where i actually NEED that much medication, i don't have the capacity to research everything and interactions happen. the psychiatrist can't be your primary physician, nor can your primary physician be your psychiatrist. its just such a hassle i don't even want to think about it anymore. i am SO SICK OF MEDICATION. i HATE it.

    Comment by am c — November 25, 2007 @ 03:29PM

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