So, never fear, future lost whales. We've compiled a list of Ways to Help Wayward Whales Find Their Way Home:
· Put state Sen. Carole Migden (sans driver) behind the wheel of the lead boat of the rescue flotilla, driving erratically and yelling, "I'm a senator!"
· Make them pose for dozens of photographs with Mayor Gavin Newsom until they crack. Or just make them attend endless Gavin town hall meetings until they make a dash for the open ocean.
· Discreetly inform them that only losers vacation in Sacramento.
· Force them to watch Jennifer Siebel movies until they turn around.
· Tell them the story of Jonah and the Whale, but this time Jonah has a chainsaw.
· Blast recordings of President George W. Bush speeches at them. If that doesn't work, blast Journey's "Lights," as in "When the lights go down in the city."
· Send in Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to grope them until they flee.
· Declare them enemy combatants and threaten to send them to Guantanamo Bay or even worse! San Francisco public housing.
· "OK, you two, keep moving the military recruiter is 100 yards ahead and ready to sign you up for a tour of duty in Iraq."
· Arrange a meeting with Supervisor Ed Jew, who will then inform them that it will cost $40,000 to gain further access to the delta and resolve any tapioca-related permitting problems they may have.
· "Yo whales Critical Mass demonstration ahead causing big traffic jam. Turn back!"
· Call them illegal whale immigrants and torment them with confusing legislation until they just can't take it anymore and return to their ocean home.
· Block their wrong-way route with an especially slow-moving T Third. The stress! The delays! The confusion! They'll be swimming scared in no time.
WARNING: These have not been approved by the California Department of Fish and Game or the National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration.