Whale Watchers

We offer tips for returning lost whales to the ocean the next time they get lost in the delta

We know, we know. Those two lost humpbacks Delta and Dawn have already gotten more than their fair share of media attention. But after reading the bazillions of updates chronicling their saga while attempting to drive them back to the ocean from the delta — the underwater siren songs of other humpback whales used in an attempt to lure them back to the Pacific Ocean, the flotilla of boats meant to herd them home, the clanging cacophony of metal pipes, spraying them with fire hoses — we couldn't help but think: There's just gotta be an easier way to do this!

So, never fear, future lost whales. We've compiled a list of Ways to Help Wayward Whales Find Their Way Home:

· Put state Sen. Carole Migden (sans driver) behind the wheel of the lead boat of the rescue flotilla, driving erratically and yelling, "I'm a senator!"

· Make them pose for dozens of photographs with Mayor Gavin Newsom until they crack. Or just make them attend endless Gavin town hall meetings until they make a dash for the open ocean.

· Discreetly inform them that only losers vacation in Sacramento.

· Force them to watch Jennifer Siebel movies until they turn around.

· Tell them the story of Jonah and the Whale, but this time Jonah has a chainsaw.

· Blast recordings of President George W. Bush speeches at them. If that doesn't work, blast Journey's "Lights," as in "When the lights go down in the city."

· Send in Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to grope them until they flee.

· Declare them enemy combatants and threaten to send them to Guantanamo Bay or — even worse! — San Francisco public housing.

· "OK, you two, keep moving — the military recruiter is 100 yards ahead and ready to sign you up for a tour of duty in Iraq."

· Arrange a meeting with Supervisor Ed Jew, who will then inform them that it will cost $40,000 to gain further access to the delta and resolve any tapioca-related permitting problems they may have.

· "Yo whales — Critical Mass demonstration ahead causing big traffic jam. Turn back!"

· Call them illegal whale immigrants and torment them with confusing legislation until they just can't take it anymore and return to their ocean home.

· Block their wrong-way route with an especially slow-moving T Third. The stress! The delays! The confusion! They'll be swimming scared in no time.

WARNING: These have not been approved by the California Department of Fish and Game or the National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration.

 
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