Slacker Guys and Striver Girls

When lazy men become projects for career women

Sadly, my weakness for the wounded seemed to dominate my dating choices through much of my twenties. While sparing readers the gruesome details, let's just say that life lessons can teach a lady that those orange work-release/electronic-tracking device bracelets really aren't attractive at all, and an early-bird overachiever like me really shouldn't spend too much time dating a raver who regularly went to sleep after I woke up in the morning.

Dating a true slacker may seem to have a mellowing effect at first, but it can actually become stressful for striver types. Large sums of borrowed money that are never repaid, alongside bounced personal checks, are hardly soothing to a hard-working career gal's soul.

Still, for me, the definition of a slacker isn't about who makes more money in a relationship. And it's crucial to note that none of the strivers who spoke to SF Weekly said money was the primary issue in their definitions of slackerdom or the main cause of their breakups. That's because breaking away from the slacker-boy trap isn't about wanting a man with money. A guy who loves and supports his wife enough to become a house husband? Now that's hot. A non-alpha male who respects his partner's opinions, even when she disagrees with him? Definitely hot. A "wounded bird" type who wants to spend years wallowing while his girlfriend kisses his scarred inner child? So not hot.

For me, the defining characteristic of a slacker isn't a lack of income, but a lack of commitment or passion (or an inability to show it) to those he loves. One of my favorite romantic-movie heroes of all time is Lloyd Dobler, the John Cusack character in 1989's Say Anything. Lloyd, a high-school nobody, was kind of a proto-slacker, while his school-valedictorian love interest played by Ione Skye was a proto-striver. Despite some slacker tendencies, Lloyd had dreams — kickboxing, the sport of the future — and knew what he wanted. "What I want to do for a living is I want to be with your daughter," he told her control-freak father. "I'm good at it."

So, call me a traitor if you must — a slacker sympathizer, a striver sellout, whatever. But I'm going with my mom's words of dating wisdom, which were the last things she ever said to me before she died about a decade ago. "Honey," she told me, "any man who's lucky enough to be with you needs to know that he's the luckiest man in the world."

As for the other men? They are the worst slackers of all, and must be kicked to the curb immediately.

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I've lived in San Francisco for 13 years and the majority of women aren't attracted to intelligent guys. I think they find it intimidating or possibly not masculine.  I was having a really intelligent conversation with a woman at a bar once, she was very smart, she turned to me and said "I can see this doesn't work for you, does it?" Then she went of with a guy who looked homeless. The women in SF are bad, bad, bad, Run the other way, guys. Find a girl in SLO or Sonoma. 


"any man who's lucky enough to be with you needs to know that he's the luckiest man in the world."

to me thats attitude towards men is the main reason divorce rate are pretty high these days!! girls thinking of themselve as princesses and expect to be treated by a prince.

im a man and hearing that kind of bullshit makes me sad.

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