Better Than N.Y.!

Rudy Giuliani's new campaign ad calls New York "America's most liberal city" — which means he's definitely lost the San Francisco vote. Come on, man — what's your standard? Pot clubs per capita? Number of people engaging in "community building through art"? The place Al Gore hangs out? We've got New York beat by any measure.

Did New York make marriage legal for gays? No. Did New York pass a universal health-care bill of indeterminate legality? No. Did New York's mayor get a divorce and fuck someone on his staff? Hmmmm ... okay, maybe that one's a draw. But the point is that no one can out-liberal us.

"I take exception to Giuliani's comments," said San Francisco political consultant Jim Ross. "Wouldn't you?" It's not that San Francisco doesn't have conservatives, Ross said; it's that even our conservatives are progressive. "The San Francisco Chamber of Commerce has come out in favor of gay marriage and billions of dollars in bonding for civic water improvements," he said. "Even an organization like that, which we consider conservative in San Francisco, is liberal in other places."

As it happens, The New York Times thinks we're more liberal, too. Its City Room blog asks some experts, and the result, according to Baruch College professor of public affairs Douglas A. Muzzio: "Blame San Francisco. We're not No. 1."

The explanation for New York's slide from progressive grace, political scientist John H. Mollenkopf told the Times: too much traditional religion. New York has a high concentration of Roman Catholics, Orthodox Jews, and other traditional faiths that pull the city way to the right on social issues like gay rights, abortion, and keeping the Sabbath holy.

We don't have that problem. Instead of a bunch of religious fanatics believing traditional things, San Francisco has a bunch of religious fanatics who don't believe anything discernable at all, such as green goddess empowerment through decolonialized orgasmic massage. People who really, really care about "negative energy" might be annoying, but they won't stand in the way of social progress.

That's the upside for us. The downside is that conservative New York is pretty good at solving its problems: While San Francisco homicides are on track for a 10-year high, New York City murders are at a 40-year low.

We haven't actually seen the ad in the Bay Area yet (it's on YouTube), which make sense since the primary is a few months away and ... this is San Fran-fucking-cisco, the capital of the Left Coast. Why would a Republican waste his campaign cash on expensive ad buys in hostile liberal territory?

See, again we prove our point! Bottom line: New York is more conservative than we are. After all, it did elect Rudy Giuliani.