My Body, My Self

Food issues and a bad self-image led our columnist to undergo weight-loss surgery. She's still a mess, but a better-looking one.

I still have anxiety, and food is still the first thing that enters my head whenever I feel it. But I recognize it, give it a little wave, and move on. I smoke and drink way more than I used to, which I'm sure is part of what they call a "transfer of addictions" that happens to many post-ops.

So, yeah. I'm still a mess, but a better-looking mess.

The main thing I have learned is a sort of Anne Frank philosophy. She said that all people are good at heart. I think that we are all in there somewhere, deep inside, and what is in there is right and good. We need to clear away the debris that is covering up our true essence. I had to get really fat to find myself, and then I had to find the strength to pull myself back down to a "normal" size and deal with the world as that person. This is really hard to do. No wonder I have ambivalence.

Another thing to understand is that you can change your own head, but you can't change anyone else's. I went on my first date with a "hot" guy a few months back. I slipped into my size 16 pants and looked in the mirror one last time before I left. "Wow," I thought. "You look pretty, Katy." I even cried a little, out of happiness. I was proud of myself. I was really nervous about my date, but we met and had a good time. Then he let me know how he felt.

"Yeah," he said. "I really like you."

"Aww," I said, blushing.

"Yeah, I dunno," he continued. "There's just something about a fat girl."

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