In the year that saw its mortal coil unwind on Dec. 31, a 900-foot-long ship ploughed into the Bay Bridge, baseball presented Barry Bonds with its home-run crown (of thorns — or, more fittingly, needles), and a scant 20 percent of the city's residents showed up to cast a vote for mayor (the guy with the hair won again).
What's more, Supervisor Ed Jew was busted for apparently not having the decency to live in his own home; the mayor with the hair got caught shtupping the wife of his hairless campaign chief; and, in a strange and terrible twist, a man who portrayed Hunter S. Thompson onstage was charged with attempting to immolate a cathedral.
We could top that in 2008 — but we'd rather not.
So, with neither fear nor loathing, here is a bevy of New Year's resolutions for San Francisco to ensure a less astray, anabolic, apathetic, absentee, adulterous, and arson-happy year.
1. Since there are, at last count, 744,041 San Franciscans (not including Ed Jew), that means that if each of us resolves to take home only 9.98 ounces of bunker oil, in no time at all the 58,000 gallons the Cosco Busan leaked into the bay will be gone. Think of the creative things San Franciscans could do with a can of highly toxic fuel oil around the house. We can craft our own lava lamps, make bunker-oil paintings, or re-create tragic oil spills for the kids with bath toys. Those of you who want to help out but are too lazy to pick up your share can always buy bunker oil–footprint offsets.
2. In 2007 it was revealed that the city's million-dollar public housing crime cameras haven't helped to identify a single murderer. Apparently, people shooting guns at each other often avoid well-lit areas and move rapidly away from the scene of the crime — something the Housing Authority must have failed to anticipate. I'd ask the city to resolve to more effectively use its expensive gadgets, but let's aim for something a bit more realistic: Could people committing homicides please make an effort to look into the camera and not run away so darn fast?
3. San Francisco should scrap its misbegotten plan to form a citywide wi-fi service and simply hand-deliver pornography to every door.
4. To the high school and college students who see fit to wear slippers and pajamas to classes: Could you at least donate the clothes you're not wearing to the rampaging homeless hordes who keep C.W. Nevius awake at night?
5. Too many of us communicate with our neighbors only via kicks on the wall during their 3 a.m. sessions of Halo 3. I propose San Franciscans resolve to undertake some good, old-fashioned community building in 2008: Borrow a cup of sugar from your neighbors, June Cleaver style. Except, in the name of conservation, everyone should borrow the same cup of sugar. Thumbing through the White Pages, we could start with Jonathan Aaberg asking Scott Aal for a cup and keep it going until Dominik Zynis hands it off to John Zyzinski. And then he can throw it away. Because who really wants a damn cup of sugar?
6. This is the year Don Fisher should save reporters some time and legally change his name to Republican Billionaire Don Fisher.
7. It seems well-nigh impossible for the San Francisco 49ers to be good, so in 2008 they should resolve to be good at being bad. Since the only productive offensive player on the team was kicker Joe Nedney, the squad should work on the Lucy Van Pelt play whenever he lines up to kick. Watching Nedney soar through the air like Charlie Brown after the holder pulls away the ball will provide more entertainment than a couple of field goals in yet another 35-6 loss.
8. San Franciscans' notion that we question authority in our city died an embarrassingly painful death on Halloween. Simply put, the authorities told us to stay out of the Castro, and we responded with an overwhelming "Okey dokey." So, in 2008, I order you to not do as you're told. Just you wait. You'll do it, too.
9. Since the city saw fit to raise Muni chief Nathaniel Ford's compensation to $336,000 last year, in 2008 travelers forced to wait more than half an hour for a bus should be given a piggyback ride to their destination by Ford himself (aka "the F-Line"). Have you driven a Ford lately?
10. As it seems Barry Bonds may have a lot of time on his hands away from the ballpark, perhaps he could prop up his famed leather recliner at a local furniture outlet. He could earn his keep by charging customers five bucks a pop to condescendingly call them "dude."
11. To the 1,423 San Franciscans who cast their 2007 mayoral vote for Grasshopper Alec Kaplan, I have only one thing to say: Do better!
12. If the situation arises in 2008 that Ed Jew undergoes a jailhouse conversion to Islam, could one of his coreligionists resolve to properly point him toward Mecca? It seems the former supervisor has issues with geography.
13. Finally, the city should resolve to free accused Burning Man and Grace Cathedral arsonist Paul Addis. He should then be handed a book of matches and put on a plane to Iraq. In three weeks, the war will be over — but I'm not sure who'll win.
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